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The HLF: Our Story The Hamster Liberation Front was founded in 1989 by Damond X and gair. Started due to the outrage arising from a highly immoral, questionable, and disgusting personal practice, it quickly became the nation's foremost revolutionary movement, subduing the crime-ridden neighborhoods surrounding a small urban community college in a matter of hours. Having completed its task there, it went forth into the world, proudly proclaiming it's motto, "Be nice or we'll kill you!" to the world. Now its membership has reached to the millions and offices have been established worldwide. What is the HLF's major contention? "GERBILING IS MURDER." (If you don't know what gerbiling is, count yourself lucky. We had so many nightmares after learning about it that we were forced by our consciences to band together into the HLF.) This plain and simple fact is foremost on the agenda of the HLF, and our members are constantly on the lookout for those who would tread upon the rights of rodents anywhere. We shall not rest until gerbilers of the world are stopped; if this means we must take matters into our own hands, we will do so (each of our agents is equipped with plenty of latex gloves). But there are more abuses out there than just gerbiling. All too often we've made raids on suspected dens of iniquity and found tread wheels hooked up to generators, the little rodents supplying electrical power via their furry little legs for the humans' sins in another room. We have found entire farming activities where our little friends are bred for their skins (if someone tells you it's mink, don't believe them!). In one liberating operation, we even found hamsters dressed up in polyester uniforms, cooking and serving greasy, MSG-laden food substitutes in one of this nation's largest chain restaurants. Many people believe rodent-abuse is a victimless crime--after all, who's going to complain? WE ARE. And we will take vengeance on those abusers of our household rodential friends. Che Hamstera--A True Rodent Revolutionary Che is the symbol of our revolutionary front and is spoken of with great amounts of pride and awe. Che Hamstera was born in a litter of 12 hamsters in the early 1990s. From the moment he was born the rodents around him knew he would bring change to the world. At the age of 6 months, he led his littermates in a successful uprising against fluffy bedding (now proven to be a leading cause of cage death--whatever you do, DO NOT use fluffy bedding for your rodents!). Flush with this victory, he went on to lead a crusade against wire exercise wheels. He became quite passionate about this cause when he witnessed a fellow littermate get her leg caught in the wire and it was snapped in two. (See this letter for a similar but more tragic tale.) Even though that campaign was also successful, he soon realized any changes that needed to be made was for the entire world, not just his little portion of it. Striking out on his own, he soon attracted the attention of the now-defunct United Gerbilers' Association (UGA). He almost immediately became their poster rodent of the type of being to be persecuted in their own peculiar way. It was his battle with the UGA that brought him to our attention; we banded together and destroyed the evil group with little trouble. Further encouraged, Che decided it was not yet time for him to join our group. Instead, he went out and travelled the world, affecting the individual lives of rodents everywhere he went. When the time felt right, however, we received a call from him and our operatives escorted him to our Headquarters. Our goals, it appears, are the same. Furthermore, he has conviction that we all admire. We are pleased and proud to call him a member and will strive to follow his example. Furthermore, he has become our official spokesrodent. Che is never permanently assigned to the office; instead he prefers to dedicate his time visiting the troops, spreading inspiration and the HLF word to all locations around the world. But he does pop in once in a while and tells us of his adventures; visit often to see what updates he leaves with us. Do you want to read some of his inspirational words? Click here. Hamster Dropping Bombs Agent-at-Large John Burr (a distant relative of Aaron) developed this unique tool on an extended campaign against the Gerbiling American Society (GAS). It was so effective it immediately became a standard tool of our agents worldwide. Take a 3/4 of a cup of hamster droppings and place them into a sturdy glass bottle. Add exactly 1/2-ounce of any common household detergent (we don't want to play favorites, but Tide works wonderfully well). Drill a hole through a cork with a 3/8" bit. Put the cork into the neck of the bottle and then place one end of a piece of 18/2 lamp cord through the hole; secure it with electrical tape (black looks the best, but the color is, of course, entirely up to you). The other end of the lamp cord should be secured to a timing unit (available at Radio Schlock under part number A-302-1927c). This timing unit consists of a digital timer and a small AAA battery (and does not cost over $1.98 in most markets); set the timer for the desired time period, place the device in the desired location, and--here's the important part--get out of there. Don't hang around, okay? The result? It is quite amazing. The detergent detonates the combustive elements of the droppings. The glass is too strong for the explosion to break, but the cork is the weak spot--suddenly, the cork pops out and the explosion shoots out of the neck of the bottle. Because of the unique properties of hamster droppings, the mass actually foams and expands under these unique circumstances, thus providing plenty of fuel. The bottle will begin to spin, much like a novelty fireworks toy on the 4th of July, spewing its contents over anything within a 25' radius. The look of shock on the faces of your victims is absolutely undeniably wonderful. We recently used this method to vanquish a group of gerbilers and, I must tell you, the results were delightful. Use it today. Use it often. More HLF Info Have you been curious to see what the HLF Headquarters looks like? Here it is:
It's a
lovely building, truly. It once used to hold a hotel, but the HLF
liberated it and now uses it as a base of operations here in the
Pacific Northwest. Both the south and east wings are reserved for
recuperating rodents, and our cache of hamster-bombs is stored in
the basement (along with our vintage bottles of spring water). If
you're ever in the neighborhood, feel free to stop in and give us
a Hamster Hello! And what do we sign around the fireplace on cold winter nights? The Official HLF Theme Song! It's sung to the tune of The Evergreen State College's alma mater song: The HLF Theme Song Go HLF, go! Finally, we've put together a few text files over the years to help explain some of the more detailed aspects of our mission; as time goes on, we may add more to this list. For now, though, you are free to peruse these documents at your convenience:
HLF Laurel of Liberators Award
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All original text and images are © 1989-2006 Hamster Liberation Front. Images that are not original creation of the HLF retain their original copyrights. The
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