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HLF Fan Mail Fellow Hamster Freedom Fighters And here's the pic he sent to us:
T. Nielsen & Company, Ltd, wrote: i am wondering whats the record for shuving a hamster up my arse how many n in what space of time Dear TN&CL: WE HAVE A WINNER! You, my feathered friend, are the 100th person to ask such a question! As the recipient of such a prestigious accomplishment, you are hereby entitled to more than our standard response. Are you ready? Do you have the drool-guard firmly installed over your keyboard? Good. Here we go! ***RESPONSE #1 That's *so* interesting, because we were just wondering how low of an IQ a person could have and still be technically entitled to use the term "human" to define themselves. It appears as though you have shattered all of our previous speculations! Congratulations!!! ***RESPONSE #2 We were wondering if your parents knew you were using their email account. Won't they be surprised to learn that their little "angel" has been on the computer and sending nice email messages on their business and/or personal account to strangers? ***RESPONSE #3 This is *your* account? How INTERESTING. Are you still selling that tugboat? You know the one: http://seaandsail.free.fr/bateaux%20wooden%20ships.html/fiches%20others%20boat/bo-abundance.html. ***RESPONSE #4 Why don't you provide the URL to your website so we can email you out of the blue, ask stupid questions, and generally waste your time? ***RESPONSE #5 Perhaps you would have found us to be in a better mood and more receptive to your witless attempt at humor if you had been the first subliterate simpleton to pose such a question. You should probably stick with your consumption of alcohol in its various forms and telling amusing anecdotes involving yourself, a waffle, and 3 large gentlemen named "Bubba"--you are obviously much more suited for such entertainment and we're SURE the circle of slack-jawed acquaintances in which you circulate like a bottom-feeding parasite will continue to enjoy the variations of the tale. ***RESPONSE #6 (and our most common response): A "re-education" team will be dispatched to your location immediately. You are invited never to visit our site again. We hope you have enjoyed your most prestigious award! Feel free never to darken our inbox again! --gair Dear Sir or Madam, Dear Sally: QUESTION #3: Our organization is also a
worldwide one; that is, we have offices all over the world. We notice you
do not show a grouping for "WORLD"; how can you accomodate our truly
global structure without having to spend money (you indicated above that
we could be listed without charge but your FAQ states the only way to do a
global listing is to purchase a premium listing)?
Thus, our current method of spreading the
word of Rodential Rights to the world is through our website and the
fliers our agents leave at their local shopping centers. If we cannot
list our website, what good will listing our "Business Name" do? Are you
saying, then, that we would be forced to purchase an "Enhanced" or
"Executive" listing? QUESTION #6b: If you will not remove our email address from your mailing lists, may we use the method of permanent banning described in your FAQ? ("Whilst it might seem a good idea to flood directories with your listings, it actually has the reverse effect as it diminishes the value to visitors searching. We therefore take a very serious view on multiple entries. Entries are checked by human editors each night and the posting of excessive or duplicated entries will cause all your entries to be void, all your data removed and your email and URL banned from further listings.") QUESTION #6c: You don't have any rodents
checking entries each night, do you? Okay, now we'll admit we didn't actually respond to this next one... we just thought it was really cool. If you are a time traveler or alien
disguised as human and or have the technology to travel physically through
time I need your help!
I am in very great danger and need
this immediately! Hi! My name is Aly Mawji and I'm the Affiliates Program manager at AllPosters.com. I'm writing to let you know that we have posters that are a good fit for your website. Check out the images above and our Rodents category(s). By joining our Affiliates Program you can earn up to 25% commission by linking to AllPosters.com. Plus you can choose from over 60,000 images to add to your site. As an affiliate you can
link to our site and earn between 20% and 25% of every sale you make.
Our top affiliates earn thousands of dollars in commission each month.
The affiliates program is absolutely free to join. I'm looking forward to
working with you! Dear Aly, Thank you for your email. We regret to inform you that you have misinterpreted the purpose of our site. We are, unfortunately, not interested in selling cute posters of knitting mice or cats waiting to eat rodents; such capitalistic motives are furthest from our belief structure. If you only had some posters of revolutionary rodents to sell (e.g., rodents burning fields of catnip, mice sneaking in to free caged comrades, hamsters blocking the roads of capitalistic Fat Cats with the wheels torn from their habitrails, etc.), we could consider becoming an affiliate of your site. What's more, our visitors are usually on the run from the federales themselves and have little discretionary cash to spare (we could show you our own retail sales accounts to verify this). Often, in fact, we receive our members' dues payments in the form of cheese and/or food pellets. But I digress. Thank you for thinking of us when sending out your spam, but we will pass on this opportunity. We do invite you to visit our site and explore our pages to learn more of our message, vision, and mission. Remember: It is only through the freeing of our caged comrades that we can truly free ourselves. VIVA LES RODENTS! --gair Timothy O'Sullivan wrote: looking for Rav, seen her? Dear Tim: No, I haven't seen Rav lately... at least not since that fateful night. I don't think any of us will be the same after that night; do you? I dream of it sometimes, in the early morning hours when all is still. What strikes me most is the image of apple blossoms falling to the ground. I still can't walk the old orchard without stopping upon the crest of the hill--you know the one--and shedding a tear for the lost innocence of youth and the onset of maturity in this all-too hurly-burly world of ours. In some ways, though, I'm glad that night came... it was forthcoming for some time; no one could deny it was time. And, yet, I wish we could blame it on the alcohol, the fermented cheese, or even the night winds that blew from parts unknown... but, alas, we can only blame--and hail--ourselves. In our communal heart of hearts, we must take responsibility for all that passed on that night and shine the light of a new dawn upon our deeds, reluctant though we may be to do so. I guess I could and should change my initial answer. Have I seen Rav? Yes--in each puddle of water after a rainstorm, in each snowflake that caresses my cheek, in the flight of sparrows, and in the passing clouds. Thank you, my friend, for memories of an unforgetable time. Sincerely, --gair "Crystal
Dawn" wrote: KCKennyC
wrote: "John Rock" wrote: my hamster is bleeding out of her private what does that mean? That means you need to stop going to humorous websites and take her to the vet. Steph Stevens/Lakoskey wrote: In early Dec while I was in the mental hospital the people I was staying with evicted me illegally, keeping all my belongings and My beloved Princess………. I have since returned to Iowa and am trying to rebuild a life and was saving money to have her shipped to me, this week I got notice she would be disposed of the 24th… This would kill me, after the breakup of a 16 year relationship she is all I feel I have left and would do anything to keep her safe until I can get her back here. Is there anything you can do to help me!!!!!! She is my life and I feel so lost and alone without her. Since my return here I have been rehospitalized twice, and Im working as hard and fast as I can to get her home to me Blessings Stephanie Stevens Dear Stephanie: I apologize for the delay in this response--we have been on the run since the Homeland Security Police Force raided our HLF Sub-HQ in late February (we believe the purpose of the raid was to gain access to our stockpiles of hamster dropping bombs--which we completely deny keeping and/or hiding from the UN inspectors--as long as they don't check the shed out back or underneath the secret floor in the basement). It would appear as though the deadline of which you spoke has passed; I hope everything turned out well, despite our lack of timely response. If not, then I will hope with you that your beloved Princess will escape her captors and make her way back to you. Good luck in your future endeavors. --gair Ladyl252547 wrote: Hi!!! Hehe , ist ganz
schöne lange her , aber solltest mich glaube ich noch kennen.... Ich hab endlich meine Homepage , kannst sie dir ja mal anschauen : http://utenti.lycos.it/niceview/web.txt konstruktive Kritik ist immer willkommen :-) Meld dich mal wieder... Gruss u. Kuss Dear Ladyl252547: Danke für Ihr email! Wir sprechen nicht Deutsches! Wir haben sogar keine deutschen Mitglieder! Kann es Sie verstehen? Wir würden lieben, es zu betrachten, aber große Mengen Mühe haben, die Sprache zu verstehen und sie liegt an den freien Betriebsmitteln von http://babelfish.altavista.com/babelfish/tr nur, das wir sind, dieser wundervollen Anzeige auf Pseudo-Deutsch sogar zu schreiben. Wir wünschen Ihnen Glück und Güte! Gruß und Kuß!!! --gair Melissa Youngs wrote: From: "Family in need" <allyssa1955@netscape.net> Dear Sir/madam ... PLEASE TAKE A LOOK AT THIS WEB PAGE FOR IT SAYS
ALL. After the death of my father I and my family fled
to South Africa where we are currently living. And we have been
trying to fly to Europe but it has been difficult for us to get visas
from Africa. So we want you to help us make claims of this fund ($16m)
in Europe as my family beneficiary and transfer the money to your
account or any account of your choice before I and my family can get
visas to fly down to your country so that we can share this money. My
family have agreed to give you 10%, which would be ($1.6Million
dollars) of this Money for your assistance, and 87% would be for us
and the other 3% would be set aside for any expenses that we may
incure during the course of Dear Family in Need (aka unknown and unnamed "son of Jonas Savimbi"): Thank you for your application of assistance to the Hamster Liberation Front. First of all, let me express my sorrow about your father who was short dead over a year and a half ago; since I am tall alive myself, I do not know his individual pain, but can sympathize. It is obvious from your highly personalized email message that you have read our website thoroughly and are completely and fully aware of our revolutionary activities. Indeed, your offer is tempting--"$1.6Million dollars" would certainly be a short in the arm to aid our revolutionary activities and free more and more rodents from the enslavement and abusive behaviors of humans. Having an annual gross income of approximately $0,000,000.00, such an infusion of free and seemingly legal cash would be of great assistance. Our only reservation is that we have received six other similar offers this week from orphans in Nigeria. In fact, they've offered us a full 20% of the monies, which, if my math is correct, is approximately 6.2 times what you are offering. What's more, they have actually provided us with their names--not simply 2 separate Netscape.net accounts (are you Savinbegeorge or are you allyssa1955??). If you can sweeten the offer, provide us with your true name, a copy of your driver's license, and a photograph of yourself holding a large fruit, we may be able to come to some sort of agreement in the shot-term future. We await your response. With all of the respect your sincerity warrants, --gair (No response ever received) rburnjr wrote: how can you catch a hammster loose in your house?? Dear rburnjr (if that is your real name): That question reminds me of a couple of jokes: Q: How do you catch a
one-of-a-kind rabbit? Q: How do you catch a
domesticated rabbit? Oh, the hours I've spent giggling at those jokes. Thank you for reminding me of them. Sincerely, --gair Gary O'Dell wrote: HLF, I discovered your website several years ago. You see, I am a Hamster. A Bellinghamster that is. (Bellingham, WA) We have a fantasy Baseball team named the Hamsterville Rodents which has been suffering an attack by a really mean cat named Scooter. He is under mind control of the evil professor, Peter Horst. All those in our league are directed to your website via a profile web page. Thank you HLF, for providing the opportunity to help enlighten the world. Here is a simple link to the profile page...... http://profiles.yahoo.com/gwodell9 Thanks again, che gary Thank you for your kind words of support. Indeed, we have several members who did, er, "spent" time in Bellingham WA... we're glad to see the revolution they started has continued to spread. Indeed, this "Scooter" feline is well-known to some of our staff in the Sedro-Woolley Branch Office. Once we apprehend him, we will contact you again for your testimony. Until then, thanks again for the email. Glory be to the Hamsters! --gair Hello, my name is Kala. I am 18 years old and recently have been corrupted by the event 'gerbiling'. I find it repulsive and cruel that an individual would even think to perform this lude act of insanity. The reason I am writing is because I feel there has to be something we can do to help stop this. I am not sure exactly what can be done, but I really want to help. If you have any information on how I can help, please let me know.
Thanks, Dear Kala: You were "recently corrupted by the event 'gerbiling'"? Egads, that sounds dreadful. I don't want to even think about how you were "corrupted" by this act... I'm hoping a boyfriend tried to get you to do it and instaed you refused, dumped him for good, and turned him into your local HLF chapter for "re-education." Nevertheless, here are some things you can do to help the Hamster Liberation Front rid the world of this nefarious, disgusting practice:
Above all, however, you must remain true to the cause of goodness and of rodential freedom. Thank you for taking this first step. May you continue on Che Hamstera's path. Sincerely, --gair Angela Tidwell wrote: Sincerely, Dear Angela (I hope you don't mind if I
use your first name; 'Ms. Tidwell' just seems so formal!): I am HUGE hamster lover. My hamster (who goes by the code name fuzzface) is always making a bid for freedom. When I told her about this site she had a MAJOR hyper attack. She often gets annoyed, but I keep telling her she must stay with me for her own safety. Yours
respectfully Bless you, Rodent Freak. We're very happy you chose to visit our site and partake of what we have to offer there. And I'm sure you have Fuzzface's best interests at heart... just be sure to listen to her needs and make every effort to meet them. May the blessings of Che Hamstera (we were hoping he'd be the surprise choice of the recent conclave, but it didn't pan out) be upon you and your household rodential friend. Sincerely, --gair Hamster Freak wrote (in response to our response): Me and Fuzzface (her name stays unrevieled) are very glad you replied. I didn't make up my name to impress you, people really do call me Hamster Freak. Just to make myself feel better I put Rodent Freak as my computer name. I understand that you cant tell me a lot about HLF, but please tell me everything I'm allowed to know. I am extremely intrested, and I'm unable to completely understand your site. I know my first email was a little crazy, and this one maybe annoying, but I wish to be of assistance to your great cause. And then wrote again: Yeah it's me again, just to tell you that I've got links to your site on my site. Please check out mine (http://demonscavern.bravehost.com) Dear Hamster Freak: Thanks again for your correspondence and your link to our site! Actually, we noticed your website entirely by coincidence a couple of weeks ago when we were looking at sites who have referred links to us... and you've actually sent a couple of visitors our way from your site! Thanks! So you want to know about the HLF, eh? Well, there's a lot of info on our website, so I guess I'm wondering what exactly you want to know. You're unable to completely understand our site? Well, that makes 2 of us... I don't understand everything I've posted on there, either, but that's part of what I think makes it a lot of fun. For a little background, we started off as 2 people--Damond X and I started the HLF in 1989, if I recall correctly. We remained small for a few years, until I started a personal website with several topics, to include a page on the HLF. Well, the HLF page is the one that took off, so we focused on that website and its stated goals. (The group has always been active, but this put a public face on it.) We had some popularity and exposure (an interview on Animal Talk Radio and a plug in Yahoo! magazine) and that has distracted us (okay, me) a little, but we're working on getting back to our core issues. Thanks again for your support--not just of the HLF, but of hamsters in general. Viva les hamsters! Sincerely, --gair Jyl Shirley wrote: My hamster truly wants to be a wild hamster. He doesn’t like to be held and tries to get out of his cage all the time. I live in Eastern NC. I am thinking of letting him go outside as the humane thing to do. Other than nature’s other wild animals having him for dinner, what are his chances of survival? Dear Jyl: We have 2 options for answering you: Option #1: My typical response. Whether or not your hamster can survive on his own in the wild is dependent upon many factors, including (but not necessarily limited to):
Any and all of these questions will help determine the success of your household rodential friend's first foray into the urban jungle in which you live. Option #2: The answer several of our HLF members would prefer I give to you. Don't do it. Hamsters don't do well in the wild. They're not really native to North Carolina. (When was the last time you bumped into one in the fields and woods of your state?) They don't want to be held just because they don't want to be held. That doesn't mean they need to be running around outside. Take care of your friend the best way you can and understand that while he's not really domesticated, he's not really a wild animal, either. Take care. Viva les hamsters! --gair Jyl wrote back: Very funny. Actually he got out of his cage on Sunday night and I was out of town for two nights. We do have a cat which I thought may eat the hamster. Anyway, I put some food and water out and also left the lid opened on his cage. When we returned, the hamster had crawled back into the cage through the tunnel entrance. Then, he took all of his cage fluff and stopped up the tunnel entrance so nothing could come in after him. Pretty funny, I guess he wanted to be in his cage after all! Thanks for your advice! Okay... if you're really, really interested in reading the old fan mail, we'll leave it up for a little while on the following pages: RODENTS UNITE!
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All original text and images are © 1989-2006 Hamster Liberation Front. Images that are not original creation of the HLF retain their original copyrights. The
Hamster Liberation Front |
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ROTFLMBO! <chuckle> Our link on that website would be just the shot
in the arm our fledgling business needs!