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The Good ol' Doc Hamster has left our organization. Let's face it--we've had a lot of visitors to this page in the past who couldn't get it straight in their heads that Doc Hamster knew squat about serious veterinary care. Instead of getting the questions he was qualified to answer (see samples below), he would get questions like, "My hamster is lying on its side and breathing very rapidly. What should I do?" (The answer, as I'm sure you know, is "Take it to a vet immediately and quit being such a freakin' cheapskate by looking to get veterinary care over the internet!!!!!!!") Therefore, Doc Hamster took off one day, muttering and grumbling. But we were going to terminate him anyway. He stopped using email to answer questions once he moved to that shack in the woods and the packages he was mailing to our HQ offices would always set off the explosives sniffers we installed last year after a particularly "interesting" raid from The Government (more about that on another page). We just weren't sure how to tell him we no longer required his services and, actually, we were pretty darned happy when he flipped us the bird and drove away in his pedal-power golf cart. In memorial, though, to his years of faithful service, we have pasted the following "best of" letters from the Doc below. We hope you like 'em. AITNS_1 wrote: Why should I jion the HLF not the OMRLP? Dear AITNS_1: First of all, we were a little thrown by the word "jion"; we thought it might be some sort of word meaning "infiltrate" or "destroy." Thus, we pulled out our Oxford English Dictionary and looked it up. The OED does not list a word spelled "jion." (It does, however, list "jirbil" which, given our particular passion, drew our attention almost immediately; however, it merely means "to spill (a liquid) by shaking or unsteady moving of the vessel"--an interesting word, but not particularly relevant to our current discussion.) We then thought you were using a foreign word; we went to Alta Vista's translation service to check it out (http://babelfish.altavista.com). Apparently, the word is not French, German, Italian, Portuguese, or Spanish. We're stumped. It doesn't sound like Russian and it certainly doesn't fit the pattern of Esperanto. The we realized--you meant to type "join." Ah! That revelation made all of the difference! Thus, the answer to your question is, "Because we're cooler." Sincerely, Dr. Hamster what type of food shuld I feed my baby hamster to help him get stronger it makes me feel bad becaus he can't spin his hamster el.:`( Dear Mr. 6283: You should feel bad; our sources indicate you are trying to get him to power your lava lamp via the generator hooked up to his hamster wheel. Our operatives will be at your location shortly to liberate your infant hamster and to give you a sound thrashing. VIVA LES RODENTS! Sincerely, Dr. Hamster Dear Dr. Hamster: Hi. I am a loving Hamster owner. My little girl, "Molly" is my pet and my child. A few months ago, I began working in a day care. They owned a gerbil. While I was there, I noticed that the poor thing was sick. I urged my boss to take it to the vet. She responded by telling me to kill it. On pay day, I came to check on the gerbil. He was almost dead. I brought him immediately to the vet. Apparently he had been severely abused for the year or so. He had pneumonia and was almost starved to death. The gerbil, ( now called Edward) now lives a happy, healthy life in my home. I never returned him to his owners. I want to know if you have any info on animal rights for rodents. I want to make Edward's previous owner pay for her cruelty to this poor sweet animal. Please help. PS: If I can help in any way on rodent health issues, e-mail me at: <email address removed for her protection>. Thanks! VIVA LES RODENTES!!!!! A frustrated animal lover. Dear FAL: Thank you for your tale of inspiration. We need more people like you to take a stand for Rodent Rights, for it is only when we, the humans, take responsibility for our actions and the actions of those around us can we transcend the plane upon which we merely exist and begin our journey on one upon which we can truly live. Bravo to you! As far as exacting your revenge, we like to believe there is a special level in Hell for people such as your boss. However, should you like more immediate revenge, I heartily suggest a Rodent Dropping Bomb. You can find the recipe on our HLF page at the HLF site. If you need anything else, please let us know. Viva les Rodents! Sincerely, Dr. Hamster "Gafillari" wrote: I LOST MY HAMSTER. HE ESCAPED THROUGH A HOLE IN THE BATHROOM UNDER A CABINET. WE DRILLED HOLES TO SEE IF WE CAN GET HIM BUT I NOTICED THAT THERE WHERE MORE OPENINGS FURTHER DOWN WHERE THE PIPES ARE. I LEFT SOME FOOD FOR HIM AND I PRAY HE COMES HOME. UNFORTUNATELY, I THINK THAT THE PIPES AND THE HOLE LEADS TO OUTSIDE. WILL HE BE ABLE TO SURVIVE ON HIS OWN IF HE DOESN'T RETURN. PLEASE ADVISE. THANK YOU. Dear Gafillari: Your hamster (who has taken the name "Juwanga" and has cast off the oppressive name you gave him of "Fido") has, indeed, escaped and has joined the Hamster Liberation Front. It was early one morning when our operatives cut the holes in the outside of your tenament and sent the code phrase ("The cat is away; the cheese stands alone.") to Juwanga, thereby letting him know it was time to make his move. When you let him down onto the floor (ostensibly to "play" but, in reality, we know you thought yourself magnificent for allowing this sham "freedom") and you turned your back to chuckle at his innocence, he made his break and joined his bretheren and sisteren in the most glorious cause of all. Don't be surprised if you wake up in the still of the night and hear the howl of wild hamsters on the heath; know ye then that Juwanga is free and all is right in the world. Sincerely, Dr. Hamster Baer, the HLF's Director of Internal Investigations and Elections Monitor, wanted us to pass along the following: "Seriously though that hamster is going to die if s/he doesn't find it, . . . I think we all know that if the temperature gets low where Gafillari lives then that hamster is a goner. Maybe we should encourage him/her to continue looking for the hamster, it won't be able to survive in the wild, be it the temperature or a cat. Maybe s/he could use some boiled egg or chicken to tempt it out of its hiding place." Sage advice, even if it didn't come from Dr. Hamster. Good luck and we'll have a chat with the Doc about being more sensitive. . . Gafarilli responded: THANKS FOR REPLYING. THANK GOD, I FOUND HIM. I WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY. I BUILT HIM A LARGE MAZE TO PLAY IN. Bless you for your consideration. But be sure to allow him free access to and from the maze at his convenience--that's the HLF way. Dear Dr. Hamster, I had a hamster named Ulysses, but only for a short time. Almost immediatley after my two cats discovered his existence, they collaborated in trying to eat him. Within a few days, they had a way of removing the wheel attatched to his cage. On an out-of-town tirp, they took the wheel off, and he escaped. We looked everywhere we possibly could in the house, but I never saw my little hamster again. No body was ever discovered. What are the chances he could have escaped to safety, and freedom in the wild? Sincerely, A Concerned ex-hamster Owner P.S. My insane friend thinks that an anti-HLF group kidnapped my poor pet as a part of a national conspiracy. She may be writing to you to voice her opinion soon. Pay her no mind, and if I see her message posted, I'll just tell her mother to up her dosage of medicine. Dear CehO: We have checked into our records and have learned that Ulysses was not eaten by your cat; we recently received an email from him that indicated he was on his way to our HQ to join our cause when he was unavoidably delayed; he mentioned something about a boat, an isle of cheese, and a one-eyed cat have been part of his journeys. Suffice it to say we are concerned for him but know he is a heroic kind of rodent and will have such a tale to tell us when he arrives. . . . Nevertheless, I would definitely give your cats a strict talking-to and explain to them that they were attempting to infringe upon the Che Hamstera-protected rights of another sentient being; I would also not be afraid to mention that you have no problems with bathing them if they ever act so mean-spirited again--that will certainly get their attention. As for your friend, well, it's good that she was thinking along those lines. You can never be too sure what the GYA (Gerbiler's Youth Alliance) is up to these days and we certainly want to be on the lookout for their deviant activities. I'll ask Ulysses to drop you a postcard as soon as he arrives, okay? Sincerely, Dr. Hamster "Thomas Olhiser"wrote: Dear Timmy: Well, Timmy, your buddy Thomas has alerted me to your plight (see his email, quoted above). Let me assure you I have the answer for which you have been searching. Troubles with the ladies often have to do with low self-esteem. But you're a pretty self-confident guy, right, Timmy? Why would you have troubles with the ladies? Thomas sent a picture and, aside from the third nostril, you're not a bad looking guy at all! So looks aren't the problem. Is it your opening lines? Could be. Let me see if I can help you out with those. The following opening line has worked for me and, although you're certainly no Doc Hamster, it may work for you, too: "My friend over there said you were a $100 hooker. I slapped him for being so stupid. It's obvious you don't go for less than $150." Isn't that a great opening line? I can't even begin to count the number of meaningful relationships I've initiated with that conversation-starter. Okay, so now you have a tried-and-true opening line. What's next? Breath? Hmm. Try this test: Find a potted fern and breathe on it. Does it immediately wilt or does it wait a few seconds? If it doesn't wait, search for an Altoid immediately. If you can't find an Altoid, that Life Saver that has been stuck in your pocket for the last 3 wash cycles will do almost as well. Clothing is next. Do you look like your mom picked out your clothes? (You don't in the photo Thomas included, but maybe that's because you're not wearing any clothes, so I really can't judge. Well, I could, but it wouldn't be fair to you.) If you don't look like your mother picked out your clothes, maybe you should. Let's face it: Women are much better at picking out clothing than your average Tim, Dick, or Harry, and your mom is a woman (right?), so it's not a bad plan. You should go see her, anyway--she worries. Now we have to look at the locations you are visiting in order to pick up the ladies. Just remember this: The quality of the pickup joint is directly proportional to the quality of the ladies therein. So, knowing you, you should probably stay away from the better bars & hangouts. Seek your own level and you'll have much better success. So that ought to take care of it. If you take care of the above-mentioned areas and follow my excellent advice, your troubles with the ladies will be over. (Unless you're already married, in which case your troubles may just be beginning, but that's for another letter.) Oh, yeah... Thomas asked me to cheer you up. Hmm. Well, you can always think of the troubles Thomas has with the ladies. That's always good for a laugh! Good luck, Timmy! Until next time, keep your rodents free and your detractors hungry! Sincerely, Dr. Hamster Hello Doctor Hamster, My boss (from Holland) said that there are wild hamsters in the UK that are much larger then your average domestic hamster, is that true? do they exist? Emma Dear Emma: It is most certainly true. Hamsters (and guinea pigs, for that matter) run wild in many parts of the UK and northern Europe. They have even been sighted as far north as the fields outside of Pokka, Finland. In addition, the size is greatly enhanced by shorter gestation period in the west as well as the "survival of the fittest" mantra that so many animal creatures choose to follow. While in the UK hamsters are generally only 24" to 36" max in height, some of the northern, more remote families of hamsters have been known to range upwards of 58" in height and a similar number in width. There are some scholars that believe wild hamsters are slimmer and more svelte than their domesticated cousins, but we have found no data to support such preposterous claims. We have found height and width of sample populations to be similar while length generally varies due to local terrain (wooded areas tend to engender shorter hamsters--the better to weave in and out of trees--while plains have longer, sleeker, lower-to-the-ground body shapes. The largest hamster on record is still Hamford the Great, who measured 73.6" tall, 78" wide, and an incredible 200" long. Hamford grew up in the Ostersund region of Sweden and lived in that area for most of his life (when he wasn't travelling the globe in search of similarly-sized mates) and has only recently retired to Halmstad area of Sweden (he prefers the warmer climates as he advances in years). So, Emma, it appears as though your boss was right on track with his information. I'm glad that you have taken the opportunity to discuss rodent-related matters in the office (keep up the good work of spreading the Gospel of Che Hamstera!) and I am also glad that I could be of help to you in your ongoing search for information and The Truth! Viva les Hamsters! Sincerely, Dr. Hamster can you please help i have a nice little fluffy hamster but the trouble is i suspect he is a pimp, he has the hat, jewlery and neat fur coat, i also owe him a fair bit of cash (he also cheats at poker, something to do with keeping cards in his mighty cheeks!) please help Chris Bailey Dear Chris: Unfortunately, your hamster has fallen into a trap we have all too often seen when good hamsters go bad. I am glad to hear that the cash you owe him, though, is a result of the gambling and not his other activities. Generally, when a hamster turns his/her back on civilized rodent society like this and begins to pander to the lowest uncommon denominator, there is a cheese dependency issue involved. Have you noticed any plastic wrappers stashed about your house? Our main concern right now is that he has not become addicted to Kraft Singles or, worse yet, Cheeze Whiz. I cannot begin to tell you how many recovery wards we have visited, only to see far too many rodents in deep withdrawal from aerosol imitation "cheese" products. Pardon me for a moment... I'm sorry; I was overcome. To answer your concerns, though, here's what you should do: Contact your local chapter of the HLF and they can put you in touch with counseling services available in your area. It's going to be only through direct intervention that your rodential friend's decline can be stopped. The pimping and gambling--those are merely symptoms of his overwhelming addiction to cheese-like substances. Once his addiction is under control, those anti-social behaviors will cease. I hope this has been of some help to you. Remember--we're here to help. Good luck and may the strength of Che Hamstera be with you! Sincerely, Dr. Hamster Chris wrote back a few days later: i take on board your sage advice about the cheese addictions and as a result have begun observing his activities more closely. it is worse that i first feared, the issue runs much deeper, he has resorted to stashing yogate about the place. this deep routed addiction we suspect is related to his early abandonment by his mother and no memory of his father. i know that abandonment can often manifest itself in many biazzare ways and it might be that i am giving him too much freedom when i leave him on his own for long stretches at a time whilst i am at the office, should i bring him with me? is this common among hamsters who are rejected at an early age? your concernedly Chris Bailey Dear Chris: Such problems are not common, per se, among hamsters who are rejected at an early age. Indeed, many hamsters grow stronger because they need to fend for themselves and learn to rely upon their inner and outer strengths. It is more likely there is a chemical imbalance (not aided by his addictions) that is causing such behaviors. Or, conversely, it is possible his abandonment led him to less-than-appropriate role models during his formative years. I would not take your hamster friend with you to the office; seeing where you work, I believe his bizarre (and illegal) activities could only cause you problems with your supervisors and co-workers. Instead, perhaps you should locate a reputable clinic that specializes in rodential addictions. Your local telephone directory should be most helpful as you search for the help you require with your friend. We wish you well, Chris--and Che bless you for trying to help! Sincerely, Dr. Hamster Ken Brocx wrote: Hi my hamster site http://www.hamsterific.com is waging a covert war against the British fascists at hamsters.co.uk, which I was shocked to see in your links. They talk funny AND they call their grandparents "Nana" over there. Limey Bastards. I too was at the WTO fiasco. Hamsterific is based in Oly. I will gladly add a link to your site on hamsterific and would be honored to be listed in your links. Ken Brocx Dear Ken: We were unaware of your site until now. The reason we have linked to hamsters.co.uk in the past is because we have seen not only their site but several books by their webmaster on the care of rodents. However, we will certainly take a look at your site, evaluate it for content & clarity, and take appropriate actions. We, too, would like to link to a non-British site, especially given our history of problems with the ACHLA. I had one quick question for you, though--you state the British "call their grandparents 'Nana.'" Both of them? That must make it confusing at times. Thank you for your letter; we will most certainly link to your site as soon as we next update our Links pages. And, yes, we would appreciate a reciprocal link. VIVA LES HAMSTERS! WebbetteFreakY2k wrote: Do you bathe HAmsters? Dear WFY2K: Most hamsters prefer their privacy; I allow them to bathe on their own and merely provide the towels, soap, shampoo, and bathrobes for them. Sincerely, Dear Dr. Hamster, Since January of this year my husband and I have been fortunate enough to share our home with a wonderful hamster named Muffet. Everything is wonderful...; I just have one worry. My husband dreams about Muffet almost every night! More often than he dreams about me! He dreams the two of them go out to restaurants, go dancing, go to movies, etc. Should I be jealous?, or does he just love Muffet as much as I do? Anxiously awaiting your reply, Dear Tat: This is a disturbing tale you relate to us, although it is not at all uncommon. Please let me explain to you what is happening: The symptoms you describe are indicative of a mid-life crisis on the part of your husband. You may have noticed that he has been looking at cars as you drive down the road; in addition, he will be sprouting hair in areas of his body where there was never hair before (ears, back, etc.) and this has depressed him slightly (although he will probably not admit it to you--indeed, he may be surreptitiously waxing these areas of his body to hide his shame from you). His fixation on your hamster is yet another manifestation of his crisis. He has subconsciously placed a great deal of emotion on another creature which can not return the same level of emotion for various reasons (including physical, biological, religious, and socio-economical background). Still, this is a "safe" love and he knows your hamster friend will be unwilling to hurt his feelings or jeopardize your marriage and, thus, will receive the extra attention with stoic fortitude. However, this is not necessarily all innocent and safe. You will need to be on the lookout for any change in behaviors that would indicate an increase in the intensity of his feelings for your hamster. It is encouraging to note your husband is at least telling you about these dreams; should he suddenly stop informing you of his dream content OR if he should suddenly become nervous or look guilty when the subject is raise, this would indicate his fixation has gone the next step and, unfortunately, intervention by your local HLF agents will be necessary. However, barring such a disturbing turn of events, this pattern of your husbands should eventually change as he purchases his new sports car and becomes incredibly involved in televised sports. The best thing for you to do for your husband is leave lots of lists of chores for him to do around the house on his days off of work--this will let him know how much you love and need him. It is comforting to know that you care enough for your husband *and* your hamster to consult me on this issue. They are both very lucky. Sincerely, hello doc hamster, I've been looking all over the internet for information about my hamster. I have a white ring hamster and I'm taking him on a 6 hour trip. I wanted to know if you could provide for me some information about my hamster. sincerely, Dear James: You have requested information about "your" hamster; here is what our archives show:
I hope this has provided information to you regarding your hamster. Next time, Dr. Hamster's advice is to just simply ASK your rodential friend if he would like to take a trip with you. Or, failing that, check with your local veterinarian or the website mentioned above. Enjoy your trip! Sincerely Dear Dr.Hampster thanx Dear Sara: For Che Hamstera's sake, YES! TAKE HIM TO A VET. Before I chastise you for not noticing that I, Dr. Hamster, am not a veterinarian (this notice is posted quite prominently on the HLF site), I would like to share an email your hamster sent to us right after we received the email from you: "Dear Dr. Hamster, I was combing my fur the other day and noticed what looks like a hole forming in my neck. I pointed it out to Sara, my human companion, but she has chosen to ignore it thus far. PLEASE tell her to take me to a vet before it gets worse! I can't believe it's been a few days already!" So, to summarize our answer to you, Sara: TAKE YOUR HAMSTER TO A QUALIFIED VETERINARIAN WHENEVER YOU HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS HEALTH INSTEAD OF WRITING TO SOME QUACK ON THE INTERNET WHO ABSOLUTELY & POSITIVELY STATES HE IS **NOT** A VETERINARIAN. Sincerely, Dr.Hamster, How many hamsters are there in the world? What is your favourite kind? What are the good things about them? Raja Mailvaganam Dear Raja: I'm so very glad you wrote. Let me get right to your questions: 1. "How many hamsters are there in the world?" Current population projections estimate there are approximately 6.8 billion hamsters in the world, divided into several categories based on physical features. The country with the highest population of hamsters is currently England, with approximately 3.6 billion hamsters running wild on the heaths. The country with the lowest population of hamsters is Zaire, with only 158,000 hamsters left in the wild (a particularly deadly strain of Ebola--called "Ebola Hamstiere"--is responsible for decimating the hamster population; fortunately, "Ebola Hamstiere" is the only form of that deadly virus for which a cure has been found, thanks to dedicated scientists, immunologists, and microbiologists in HLF laboratories across the world). The country with the highest percentage of hamsters per capita is Guam. 2. "What is your favorite kind?" This is too difficult a question to answer. That would be like asking, "Which of your children is your favorite?" or, "Which is better--generating lots of income from your website or leaving your message pure and free of the taint of capitalistic excess?" In reality, we (platonically) love all hamsters equally, not believing there should be divisions based on ethnicity. 3. "What are the good things about them?" Their independence combined with their loyalty to those who treat them fairly and equally. Hamsters are fiercely independent creatures, trained from aeons of hunting through the wilderness to stake out territory, claim it, and defend it while providing food, shelter, and care to their family units. And, yet, if you befriend a hamster, he will be your friend for life, often playing the Protector role for you and sharing of his lettuce on a frequent basis. Raja, thank you for your questions. I hope I have answered them to your satisfaction. Remember--Hamsters Rule! Sincerely, My tan girl hamster has a problem! for some reason her private smells.So does my sisters black hamster.The question is why does it smell? Jessica Dear Jessica: First of all, if you have legitimate concerns regarding your hamsters' health and/or physical status, please take them to a qualified veterinarian. (Here's a hint: Any whacko with access to a website can call himself "Dr.") Second, a good hamster health-related site is http://www.hamsterific.com/. Third, I really don't want to know why you are sniffing your hamsters' "privates." Stop it. Just say "no" to hamsters' privates. (I won't make any of the other comments/threats/statements we would usually make about this sort of activity since it looks like you're sending this from someone else's email address & I don't want my statements misinterpreted by someone who hasn't seen our satirical site.) Finally, I *have* to put this on the site; it's just too weird of a letter. I promise not to post your email address, though (we don't post any writers' addresses, just for their own protection). Sincerely, I don't smell their privates when we pick them up they stink and thats where we think it comes from! don't e-mail back ! and u we being really rude! good-bye! For the record, the following email transactions occured between Dr. Hamster and probationary member Ma B, who resigned shortly thereafter this transaction (Ma B's comments are in italics this time): Despite my probationary status, I feel compelled to address the question of sniffing hamsters. Lets not be prudes here. When female Syrians come into heat (which, as you know, is every 4 days), they exude a very distinctive and rather pungent odor. You don't have to sniff very hard to catch it. Or, god forbid, it could be the dreaded "wet tail", which had a ghastly odor, death-knell that it is. Be that as it may, Dr. Hamster is NOT a veterinarian and does NOT answer veterinary questions. Standard response is "see your local vet or, failing that, check out a site that actually deals with hamster health issues." While we certainly are concerned about rodents' health (thus the response to "see a qualified veterinarian"), I am NOT going to start diagnosing problems or dispensing advice--if they want advice, they should seek another site. What's more, the "sniffing the privates" response I wrote was with an eye to the original intent of the HLF: To stop gerbiling. For someone to sniff the genitals of a rodent is suspiciously like the preparations for that most foul of perversions and, thus, the response I gave. The part of this question that I object to is the mention of the hamsters' gender and colors. The mention of color is totally irrelevant and uncalled for. We cannot be liberators for one faction, and then racist about others. I completely agree; I have no idea why she mentioned color and, thus, I ignored the reference. Dear Doctor hamster, When will a hamster mom leave its babies? Dear Adam Carr: A hamster mom will leave its babies when it finally realizes one of the following truths: (1) The hamster babies truly don't appreciate the fact that she's given them the best years of her life & they're not grateful for everything she's done for them over the years...; (B) The hamster babies show her their HLF identification cards and she realizes they are more than capable of taking care of themselves (not to mention anyone who crosses them); or (III) The hamster mom has read something on a real advice site (such as http://www.hamsterific.com/) and agrees with the timetables for such departures. Thank you for your letter. Sincerely, Dr. Hamster dear doctor hamster, i have been looking all over the internet trying to find information on my hamster's problem. WHen i looked at him today i found out that his hair was sticking out very unusually and this never happened before. i am thinking that it might just be because of him going through his tunnels but i want to be sure. i really dont know how to describe the looking of his hair but it kind of looks dirty and sticks out like a porkipine. I have seen him occasionally keep licking his fur very often and want to find out what this is about. sincerly, Mallory Dear Mallory: This may be difficult to understand, but PJ is merely expressing his desire to be a part of the counter-culture movement that is (continuously) sweeping the world. His dirty porcupine-like hair is merely his attempt to emulate the spikes seen in the hair of many punkers. The reason he has to lick his fur and then run through his tunnels so often is because his mini-refrigerator has run out of egg whites and the clerk at the corner 7-11 refuses to sell any eggs to him until he presents some identification... it's a common complaint. You really don't have to worry about this behavior until he buys an electric guitar, colors his fur blue, and starts singing anarchist songs in a cockney accent. (Of course, I may be wrong, so you might want to visit a site more suited to learning about the health problems of hamsters, such as http://www.hamsterific.com.) I hope this has helped. Just remember the old song by Hammy Rotten, "GOD SAVE THE GERBIL," and you'll do fine. Sincerely, Dr. Hamster Dear Dr. Hamster, I hope you remember me. I'm the one who wrote the letter about my husband dreaming about our live-in hamster Muffet. Anyway, I wanted you to know that his dreaming has turned once more to me, although we still both love Muffet very much. In fact, due to all the support she felt coming fron our family, Muffet felt brave enough to enter the "Petcetera Pet of the Month" contest. She won Pet of the Month for March!!! We are so proud of her! Her picture is in their flyer which goes all over western Canada. She's won gourmet food and treats, and a new coconut condo to live in. Muffet has asked me to add that if the HLF is ever in need of help in our area, she would like to use her winnings to help further your cause. ( Feeding or housing undercover agents perhaps? ) Thank you
for your past advice, and we hope to hear from you soon! Of course I remember you--how good it is to hear from you again! I am pleased to hear your husband is doing much better now! And I am equally pleased to hear that Muffet is doing well, too. It's always gratifying to receive word that my advice has been well received and has helped our future rodential terrorists! On another note, I received word from gair, the HLF's co-founder, CEO, & webmaster, that you inquired about becoming a member. I'm afraid I reviewed his email and found it to be a bit curt--please forgive him, as he has been under some pressure of late. Here is the skinny on what you need to do (straight from our Application web page):
I hope this has helped again! Thanks for getting back in touch and we hope to hear from you soon! Sincerely, Dr. Hamster Hello, my name is Arthur. I have never seen a hamster in Australia. By any chance at all would anyone know why that is or if there is a way of importing one??? Yours sincerely, Arthur Wasiak Dear Arthur: Once upon a time, many years ago, great hamster herds roamed the wilds of Australia and they lived in peace and harmony with the environment. There are even legends of the Great White Rodent that lived for centuries; the aboriginal peoples tell of the mystical good luck that it granted upon those who encountered it in the outback. Alas, those great herds were hunted out by the "settlers," particularly those who arrived in the mid-1840's, and only but a few hundred remain--those who come from stock that was clever and resourceful enough to hunt singly at night and stay well away from human habitations. The reason why you do not see them for sale in Australia is because of that infamous secret document, the Sidney Treaty of 1982. In an attempt to corner the market on iconism in your fair country, the Kangaroo and Crocodile Coalition instigated the above-mentioned treaty to specifically exclude our rodential friends from importation. Even if you found some hamsters who were willing to make the long trek across the ocean, it is unlikely they would also be willing to face the bounty that the treaty puts on their skins. Nevertheless, we are working on the situation. Even now, several Hamster Liberation Front strike teams are scouring the outback, searching for the lost tribes. We'll keep the world updated on their progress through our site. Thank you for your interest. May Che Hamstera always find you a willing ally in the ongoing battle to free all of our oppressed rodential friends. Sincerely, Dr. Hamster Hey I what to get a tongue ring and my parents say that they will crack your teeth is that true Larry Dear Larry: Absolutely not--that's an old wives' tale. The only way it would crack your teeth is if you took a blow to the mouth while the piercing was in. That's why many extreme sports athletes remove their piercings before they ride. Tongue piercing does, however, come with 2 drawbacks (aside from the incredible, incredible pain that's involved in getting your tongue pierced and waiting the mandatory six months for it to heal to the point of being able to consume salt again): 1. The constant contact of metal against the backs of your teeth wear down the enamel, leaving you vulnerable to rapid tooth decay and loss. (This is the source of the "cracked teeth" myth--it's not the ring itself that cracks the teeth, it's the decay.) Eventually (approximately 12 years after getting the piercing installed), you will need to visit your dentist to be fitted for false teeth. But that's a small price to pay for contemporary fashion, right? 2. Food particles often get caught in the hole and cause infection. Usually, the tongue only swells to the size of a grapefruit for a week or so before the antibiotic shots you must receive in your posterior knock the infection out; however, in some cases (38%, to be exact), the tongue actually swells so large that it cuts off circulation to itself. If you manage to save the tongue after it reaches this stage, orthodontics are almost always needed to realign your teeth and jaw. Most of the time, however, you don't have to worry about it because the tongue just falls off one night in your sleep. Now, I won't even go into the inferior metals that are often used in tongue rings--suffice it to say that old fogey jewelers don't really care if they're using the cleanest of semi-stainless steel when they create your average rings. And if we were to tell you the tales we've heard about substandard chroming techniques and the chronic chrome poisonings that are filling our nation's emergency rooms, you'd certainly have something to cry about then. We hope this information has been helpful. We'll have you know that we spent an entire 15 seconds researching this question in the hope that we can give you the most up-to-date and cutting edge info available. Good luck with all of your future bodily mutilations! Sincerely, Dr. Hamster EDITOR'S NOTE: If you didn't notice, Dr. Hamster has absolutely no knowledge about tongue piercings. We suggest you either listen to your parents because they're supporting you and giving you a place to live *or* you visit a website dedicated to piercings. Personally, Dr. Hamster figures his body had a certain number of holes when he started this life and he'd like to keep that same number until he passes on to the great hamster wheel in the sky. How can you tell if your hamster is sick? Robert Walter Dear Robert: This important question is asked all too infrequently by humans who live with hamsters. If you think about it, many disagreements between rodents and people could be avoided if only we learned to communicate better. In the interest of fostering better communication, let me list the... Top Ten Ways in Which You Can Tell Your Hamster Friend is Sick: 10. His nose is wet and cold. (Or is it dry and warm? I always forget that one... never mind. Better to stay away from his nose altogether.) 9. Her fur is green. 8. She tells you she has a hankering for McDonald's. 7. He eats your five-alarm chili and says he can't taste it. 6. He indicates he has made an appointment with his preferred provider. 5. She has called in to sick 3 days consecutively... and it's not even sunny outside. 4. The trashcans in your bedroom are filled with tiny crumpled facial tissues. 3. He is quoting Jerry Springer's "Final Word." 2. Her temperature is up an average of 2.3% over the course of 24 hours. and the number 1 way you can tell your hamster is ill: 1. Two words: country music. Thank you for allowing us this opportunity to enlighten not only you but all of our reading audience. Good health to you and your rodents! Sincerely, Dr. Hamster, PhD. (Rodent Terrorism) My hamster has been terrorzing the nieghborhood for
weeks, she has been stealing cars and then holding "government auctions"
in our yard. Is this normal for a hamster? Should I report her to the
police? Should I ask for a cut of the action? Cheephin Dear Cheephin: The cars your hamster has been stealing are actually undercover government vehicles who have been engaged in spying upon members of the Hamster Liberation Front. The "government actions" are actually to raise money for our organization--she has been one of our chief "procurement officers" for several years now. The increase in her activities in recent weeks is due to the fact that several of her peers have been "apprehended" by government agents, leaving our cash flow in the negative (hamster dropping bombs don't grow on trees, you know). Several of our veteran agents are currently going through the additional training to assist her, but as the orientation process to "government procurement actions" takes several weeks (it takes a little bit of training to know how to lure agents out of their cars with donuts and coffee spaced at adequate and appropriate distances), she has agreed to keep up her high level of activity for a little while longer. While this behavior isn't "normal," per se, for your run-of-the-mill hamsters, your hamster friend has proven herself capable of caring for her own safety while keeping the flow of funding coming from the oppressive government to the rodents. You should absolutely NOT contact your local law enforcement agents, as this would seriously jeopardize your hamster friend's life. It has been well documented that rodents who are taken "downtown" rarely emerge from their solitary holding cells alive. With regards to asking for/demanding a cut of the action, we may be able to work out something regarding the rental of your front lawn for as long as the auctions are happening there--that would only be fair, I suppose (although you should really consider donating the space--every penny helps our cause!!). To explore this option, please contact the accounting department of your local HLF office. I trust this has adequately answered your questions. Thank you for the opportunity to respond. VIVA LES HAMSTERS! Sincerely, Dr. Hamster, PhD. (Rodent Terrorism) i know that Hamsters have milk so what does it taste like and where can you get it Scape8 Dear SCAPE8: That depends on your intended usage of the product. If you have an orphaned baby hamster who requires the milk, simply contacting your local chapter of the La Hamster Leche League will be enough to put you in contact with suitable donor rodents. If, however, your requirements are a little more perverse, well, first of all, shame on you. We ought to rip your tes........................ wait a minute. Tell you what--we'll send a squad over to your place with a delivery. Yeah--that will work nicely. Just wait by your door for our team of "specialists" to arrive and they'll give you exactly what you need. And if they're carrying cattle prods when they knock, don't worry--just invite them right in and they'll take care of your every need. . . and you won't EVER feel such desires again. Good luck. Sincerely, Dr. Hamster, PhD. (Rodent Terrorism) how long can a hamster run before it gets tired? siuvmk Dear siuvmk: That all depends upon the physical condition of the hamster in question. If it is out of shape, it is not likely the hamster will be able to run more than 36 hours straight. However, if the hamster is in good shape (such as training for the underground mole railroad or getting ready to take part in our "re-education teams," it's possible the hamster can run for several weeks straight (with adequate food, water, and potty breaks, of course). The greater question is, of course, why do you ask? Some unscrupulous folks hook their hamsters' exercise wheels up to electrical generators and attempt to run their household on pure rodent power. We abhor such practices. We will be sure to monitor your electricity usage in the next few months to ensure there are no suspicious drops in your consumption. Sincerely, Dr. Hamster, PhD. (Rodent Terrorism) Chris Bailey was the friend of a hamster who wrote some time ago regarding his hamster friend's suspected illegal activities; he recently wrote back: Oh mighty yet wise Doc H The light at the end of the wheel has been seen by my good friend, for your reference he has been responding well to treatment and appears to thrive on solitude. He is now planning a career in politics, key policies include the banning of larger mammals (apart from simians) lower handles on doors shorter working hours and the replacement of all carpets with sawdust. I have also managed to clear most of my debts now. Finally I have stuck a link to your site on mine, see url below as a tribute to all the fine work that you have done for us. Chris Bailey Dear Chris: We are pleased to hear your hamster friend is doing much better; his political career may prove to be even more dangerous to his moral and physical health than his previous hobbies, but at least it is generally more socially acceptable. With regards to your site, I enjoyed it very much. You are quite an artist. A couple of observations/questions/comments/whatever: * LOVED the dragon tattoos. If I choose to anger my spouse and get a tattoo, I might even get one of those. (I've been thinking about getting an all-over body tattoo--life size, of course--of Che Hamstera, but the cost to do that may be prohibitive). You may be interested to know we are in the process of moving our website to a new host... http://www.weyr.org, and the sysop shares your love of dragons. * With regards to your bunny killing game, while we cannot condone the massacre of small furry mammals (it's in our official charter to protect them, as well), we wondered if you have ever seen the PC game "Space Bunnies Must Die"? A very interesting game with a similar theme. * You say, "Some say that filters allow anyone to become an artist, but its not what is there but who is using it I always say." I, for one, completely agree with you. Thank you again for updating us on your friend's condition and thank you for the link. We are planning an update to our site in the very near future and will add you to our links page, as well. Sincerely, Dr. Hamster, PhD. (Rodent Terrorism) Oh mighty yet wise Doc H The light at the end of the wheel has been seen by my good friend, for your reference he has been responding well to treatment and appears to thrive on solitude. He is now planning a career in politics, key policies include the banning of larger mammals (apart from simians) lower handles on doors shorter working hours and the replacement of all carpets with sawdust. I have also managed to clear most of my debts now. Finally I have stuck a link to your site on mine, see url below as a tribute to all the fine work that you have done for us. Chris Bailey UPDATED NOTE!!! Dear Dr Hamster, Please help!! I co own a hamster who is very respected within the neighbourhood. Unfortunately due to my busy workload I have regrettably been unable to visit him at his co owners house. I now have more time on my hands and have been round to visit but he doesn't seem to want to hold any polite conversation. I have had the odd conversation though and he is very sarcastic .... Is there any way i can make it up to him in order for us to be back to how we used to be? He has gone off his food and seems to be agoraphobic. I have noticed that he does venture out sometimes as he leaves messages using his little messages. please help i am in despair. Many thanks Heather Dear Heather: I apologize for the delay in this response, but I used the time in a productive manner. I made a house call to your friend (it wasn't hard to find him--I asked around in your neighborhood & quickly found out who the grumpy rodent was) and visited with him for a couple of weeks. At first he was not at all willing to allow me into his home; he made statements like, "I don't need no Chedamned shrink messing with my head" and "You can have my hamster-poop bomb when you pry it from my cold dead fingers." But they don't call me Dr. Hamster for nothing (well, okay, they do, but that's another story that we don't have time to get into right now) and I persisted, sneaking in through a bathroom window and, at first, just wandering randomly through his house. After about 72 hours, he finally tackled me as I was raiding his refrigerator and asked me what I was doing in his house. I responded by asking him what *he* was doing in his house. He looked at me, shook his head, and left me alone with my plate of cold tofu burgers and soy milk. Approximately 15 hours later, as I was using his toothbrush, he accosted me again. "What do I have to do to be rid of you?" he screamed in my ear. I grabbed a couple of cotton swabs, began to clean between my toes, and responded, "I was wondering the same thing." He muttered something about my private parts and how they resembed those of certain insects and stormed out. Finally, as I sat on his couch & incessantly flipped channels on his 12" black & white television, he walked up, yanked the power cord from the wall, grabbed me by the lapels, and said, "Okay, Mr. Bigshot, let's talk." "How did you know my stage name?" I queried. "Never mind about that." He sighed. "What's up?" "How do you feel?" I asked. "Fine. Now will you go away?" "No." "Did Heather send you here?" he asked. "No. But tell me about her--she sounds cute," I said. "She is. But she treats me like a hamster, not an equal." "How do you mean?" "I mean, she thinks of me like a brother but I don't think of her like that." "How do you think of her?" I asked. "Well, more than a sister," he responded. I won't go into any more details, but don't be surprised if your friend (whose name I'm omitting to protect his privacy) is much more pleasant to be around. We talked about interspecial relationships and he finally agreed that he could respect your wishes and not keep attempting to push your relationship with him any further until you are ready for such a change and until you notify him of that change. I just ask that, should you ever decide to pursue romantic interests with him, that you consult an HLF-approved relationship counselor to make sure you have the tools to keep such a relationship from degrading into something that will require us to send out a re-education team. I hope this has helped. I know I appreciate not having to pay my Motel 6 bill for a couple of weeks! Let me know if you have anyone else who owns a home and needs some assistance! Sincerely, Dr. Hamster, PhD. (Rodent Terrorism) Tom Fletcher wrote: What kinds of supplies do the hampsters need? What would be the best home for a hampster?? Dear Tom: I've conducted many years of research on this very question. According to the numerous polls I have researched, hamsters prefer a central area with plenty of tunnels and activity centers to keep them busy. These activity centers should include (but not be limited to):
Basically, the best home for a rodent friend is filled with love and caring. And cheese. I hope this has helped! Good luck and please invite us to the housewarming! Sincerely, Dr. Hamster, PhD. (Rodent Terrorism) Dear Doctor hamster, i think that my hamster is going to have babies but how can i tell her rear is bigger and she the right age but i still dont know please anwser my question how do i no if she is going to have babies or not sincerly, gldndragon87 Dear gldndragon87: How can you tell her her rear is bigger? Oh, trust me--that's not a subject you want to mention. Female hamsters are pretty sensitive about such issues. My suggestion is that you take her to a qualified veterinarian and pay him/her to tell her her rear is bigger. Sincerely, Dr. Hamster, PhD. (Rodent Terrorism) Dear Doctor Hamster, I am a single hamparent of 5 hammies of mixed gender and race. I particularly worried about my 2 youngest boys, Peanut & Buscuit. Peanut is a lovely boy, super intelligent and good looking. However he is also a bit of a delinquent. He regularly runs away from home, destroys the soft furnishings and has tantrums when I have guests.He has recently been hassling me for a pent house, when i tell him i can't afford it, he pee's the bed and doesnt wash for days. Im sick of him showing me up. Should I put him on Ritalin? Biscuit shuns attention, is obsessive with his routine and fastidiuosly clean and tidy. He spends all his time arranging and rearranging his room. Ive read about Aspergers Syndrome, Do you know of it in Hamsters? Please help Dr Hamster, im at the end of my tether. Miss P. Roborovski. Dear MPR: Sounds to me like you have some issues with your children. Let's see if I can apply my expertise and lend a hand: Peanut is rebelling, as you have guessed. I don't think he has any real mental health issues--certainly nothing that prescribing Ritalin would help. Besides, with the way physicians are prescribing Ritalin these days for rodents, you'd think they were used to treating human children with the candy-like "medication." It's my guess that he's involved in some illicit cheese-like substance abuse (e.g., Cheez Whiz). You need to get him into a qualified rodential therapist who can help him with his anger issues and address his CW dependency. You should also contact your local HLF office to what programs they offer to the community; it's possible they've got programs in place, especially if there's something in your water system. If all else fails, check to see if your local Rodential Rehabilitation Department has a RAR program (Rodent at Risk). While I usually shun going to the "authorities" with such problems, sometimes a young rodent needs to know firsthand the consequences of what happens when they are brought to the so-called "justice" system. Biscuit sounds to me as though he is constipated. Try increasing the fruit juice in his diet and the amount of time he walks daily. Hope this has helped you! Thanks for your letter and the trust you have given to me to address these most serious problems! Sincerely, Dr. Hamster, PhD. (Rodent Terrorism) Carolyn Hielscher wrote: How long does it take for a hamster to mate? Dear Carolyn: That depends upon whether or not you count the time it takes to eat the pizza. Sincerely, Dr. Hamster, PhD. (Rodent Terrorism) Doc You say that England has the highest number of Hamsters, but where I live in the Midlands there appears to be very few, as I am trying to recruit for the Coventry branch of HLF. Is there any reason for the lack of the little Russians in the UK Midlands area? Yours - Lee M Dear Lee: I find it hard to believe you claim to hail from Coventry, let alone the Midlands, and you have never heard of the great gerbil pogrom of 1924! Has Britain's educational system gone so far downhill that they do not discuss this tragedy any longer? Is 76 years all it takes to make the public forget about such bloody, horrific events? Very well... it certainly sounds as if our re-education teams in your part of the world need some guidance. Let me start with your education... It was the spring of 1924 and the fall harvests were already in trouble. No one could control the various insects that were eating the early sprouts; it had been a warm winter and too many insect eggs survived. Insecticides didn't work, burning fields didn't work, even running tractors with large magnets attached to them through the fields didn't work. No one knew what to do. No one, that is, until a brave hamster named Cornelius Fuzzster stepped forward. He knew from firsthand observation that these were insects that had evolved... these bugs KNEW how to evade all efforts of the humans, who were too large to truly deal with the insects on a one-to-one basis. That is when Cornelius rallied rodentkind together and went after the bugs. It took several weeks, but in the end, the bugs were gone, what was left of the crops was saved, and . everyone was praising Cornelius and his comrades for their diligent and brave work. Everyone except the snake oil salesmen who had been reaping untold profits from the crisis. Now their source of livelihood was gone and they were less than pleased. Well, one thing led to another and a few of those slimy profiteers got together one night to drink American . Well, beer handle proper English bitter). It didn't take long for those weak-nosed, slack-kneed shams to start (they couldn't blaming the hamstersCornelius in particular--for their troubles. And so they hatched a plan. It was at about 2:30am --and on the night of June 1924, when one could have seen a group of men stumble out to the fields. As you may recall, in 13, those days, the growing fields of the Midlands were pretty much continuous--one could walk for miles without seeing another bodybeen, as I said, a warm winter and the spring was rather dry. It only took a couple of matches and . And it had a conflagration was started. I won't go into the details here, but suffice it to say that it took many days and many buckets of water to put out the fires that raged through the fields. And, in the end, there was the inevitable toll on human life. 3 men and fighting those fires... and the people were in an uproar. Thus came part 2 of the salesmen's plan. They 2 children died quietly spread word that Cornelius was seen with a matchbox in hand, ranting about how the humans wronged him for this or thathindsight being what it is, we now know the tale was as false as those salesmen were crooked... but . Of course, folks didn't see it that way back then. Or, rather, they *couldn't* see it that way. The cry went up for blood--Cornelius' blood and that of those hamsters who had helped him and the townspeople not too long before. Try as they might to hide, the hamsters all found themselves surrounded. And when the crowds of humans parted, satisfied with the knowledge of what they had done, hamsters, including Cornelius, had lost their lives to the rage of the mob. Of course, once the truth 134 was known, people were sickened to realize the injustice they had perpetrated. But the damage had been done, and it was quietly agreed by all hamsters that the area of the massacre would forever been abandoned by their rodents. And, thus it has been ever since that day. You now know the story. Go forth and spread the word... and remember those who have passed on. Thank you. Sincerely, Dr. Hamster, PhD. (Rodent Terrorism) Brenda Smith wrote: Whilst enjoying a peaceful half hour enjoying your wonderful web page, I failed to notice hammy was also watching with more than a little curiosity. He is now demanding equal shares of the breakfast cereal, is threatening a sit down protest in support of the oppressed tazmanian devils and I'm almost certain he is starting to cache military hardware along with his sunflower seed. Advice please! Dear BS: Alas, we hear this tale more often than not in our line of work. While we applaud Hammy's newfound voice and desire for equality, we must make sure that he does not trample the rights of others while standing up for his own--such behavior would lower him to the level of common gerbilers and, truly, would be a blight upon his soul. Here is what we suggest:
Above all, I urge you to support your hamster friend. Support groups for both of you can be located through your local HLF branch office. Thanks for caring and VIVA LES HAMSTERS! Sincerely, Cox asked: how do u know when your hamster is preagnant Dear Cox: This is sometimes difficult to ascertain. Personally, I look for the following traits/behaviors:
My best advice is to ask the hamster and/or take her to a veterinarian to determine whether or not she is pregnant. Good luck! Sincerely, Tim Lisse wrote: how long until you can touch the little pinkys (Babys) dwarf hammsters Dear Tim: Not until they reach the age of consent for your jurisdiction. (On a personal note, that's just plain sick, Tim. We'll dispatch a "re-education team" to your location immediately.) Sincerely, Dear Dr. Hamster, How long does a hampster syay pregnant? From Propane87 Dear P87: Until she gives birth. (Frankly, I'm surprised you asked--I thought that went without saying.) Sincerely, Dear Dr. Hamster: What should I do about my hamster friend? She is gregarious and outspoken. Frankly, she appalls me. Which brings me to another question--should a 5-year-old hamster wear leopard skin capri pants? Signed, Dear Lisa: I could answer those questions, but I'm much more interested in why you are trying to turn the calendar back to 1950. Haven't you heard of the great rodents' lib movement of the 1960s? Don't you remember seeing footage of the great water bottle burning riots of the 1970s? (Okay, so the results weren't all that spectacular, especially since the water from the bottles generally doused the flames, but we need to focus on the intent, not the actual results.) Haven't you read any of our site--THE HAMSTER LIBERATION FRONT?!?!?? It's my suggestion that you either lighten up and accept the new reality--hamsters (and other small furry mammals, which fall under HLF jurisdiction) are cute, fuzzy, and here to stay. EQUAL RIGHTS TO ALL RODENTS. VIVA LES US!!!! Sincerely, Dear Dr. H: I'd like to join my local HLF chapter, but I have a few questions before I apply.
Signed, Dear BfK: Good for you for being willing to step forward and take up the HLF banner/cause. Let's see if we can give you some answers. Do we require drug tests? Only if you request them and want to double-check for interactions. Are our working hours flexible? As long as you put in the mandatory 153 hours per week, we're flexible. Does the HLF allow its members freedom of speech? No--but we can discuss that later. What are your rights if captured? This is a biggie and depends upon the situation. If you are arrested by a government agency, you can generally depend upon the protection of the law. (Note: If they offer you the choice of a rubber hose or d-cell in a sock, choose the latter--they tend to have multiple uses for the hoses.) If you get picked up by a retailer's so-called "loss prevention team" (a misnomer if I've ever heard one, especially if you take into accoun the "perks," "bonuses," and other "appropriations" with which they are typically associated), then you're only required to provide your aliasand to deny any and all association with the HLF. If youa re captured by the Gerbilers' Youth Association (GYA), well, we suggest you become familiar ahead of time with teh basic tenets of your underlying faith, for groups like the GYA are comprised of godless heathens who will have no mercy for your righteous soul. Good luck on your HLF application, exams, and physical trials! Viva les us! Sincerely, I like only a hint of paprika on my potatoes, but
Fluffy, my dwarf pomeranian gerbil friend, always cooks with a lot of
garlic. What should I do? Dear W: Embrace Fluffy's cooking and general way of life--she's obviously smarter & has better taste than you. Sincerely, Dr. Hamster Dear DH: When is the last possible date that wearing velvet is acceptable? Dear Velvet-Lover: The 17th. Sincerely, Am I bald? Dear Baldy: In the eyes of Che Hamstera, we all have full and luxurious coats of fur. Sincerely, Dear Doc Hamster: Who are you really? Leslie Dear Leslie: I'm glad you asked--no one (not even my supervisor) has ever asked me that. I was born in a small suburb of Knob Noster, Missouri, the 7th of 13 little ones born to my parents. When I was 3 years old, we moved to Walla Walla, Washington, where I progressed through the public education system and eventually earned my A.P. (Associate in Psychology) from Mouse U. I then moved to the jungles of Central America, where I took instruction from Che Hamstera himself. Under his tutelage, I applied to and was accepted at the Rodney Rodent School of Rodentology and Yogurt Shoppe. RRSRYS awarded me my B.P., M.P, and PhP when I completed my coursework with them. I won't say it was an easy process--on the contrary, it took me many days of seminaring and many hours of writing in sometimes the most desolate of hotel rooms to earn my degrees. After being awarded my degress, Che sent me back to the states with a letter of recommendation to gair and Damond X. At the same time I was headed north, our two HLF co-founders were in a quandry: for some time, the staff advisor/counselor position was filled by a rodent by the name of Mr. Mouse, an agent whose time had clearly passed. As an example, here's one letter to which he responded just prior to my arrival at HLF HQ:
Needless to say, gair and Damond X were encouraged by Che Hamstera's glowing words about my and my general enthusiasm for the job and I quickly replaced Mr. Mouse (who left the HLF and quickly found a job as an AOL customer support representative). The rest is, as they say, history. I hope this answers your question and inspires you in all areas of your life. Viva le Me, er, I mean, Us! Sincerely, I really hope you can help me, because this is driving me up the side of my cage. I'm a white mouse and my human friend, for whom I care very much, has no idea of personal hygiene. He stinks, yet isn't bothered by it. How can I persuade him to wash before my nose (or my self) runs away? Signed, Larry Dear Larry: This is not an uncommon question from household rodential friends. All too often, humans think they can skip their grooming without consequence. What is almost as bad as missing a bath (or even worse, for some) is the fact taht some think they should bathe in various odorous concoctions, whether it be Obsession or patchouli. There are several tactics you can use. First and foremost is, of course, to confront your human friend directly about his (which is also your) problem. I'm assuming you've already done this because you sound like a forward sort of rodent, so I'll go ahead to tactic 2: subversive activities. Here are some examples:
Generally, think of different ways that you can "convince" him that proper hygiene is not only a good idea, but it's the law around you. Finally, if all else fails, check with your local HLF field office and ask if they have a "re-education team" with some expertise in this area; you may be pleasantly surprised. Good luck and stay strong, my friend. Sincerely, Maybe someday we'll get a replacement for Dr.
Hamster.
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