Stringbean's Exclusive Interview With Hurricane Hamster After months of trying, I finally managed to get hold of Hamsterian Gladiator and founding member of the Pudding Pop 9, the one and only, Hurricane Hamster! She agreed to meet with me at a time and place of her choosing. We could not arrange a scheduled meeting due to the fact that she is now being hunted by Pro-Tapioca Activists. However, much to my surprise as I drove to work one morning, my glovebox popped open and out scurried Hurricane Hamster. She crawled into the p assenger seat, lit her pipe and said she was ready for the interview. SB: Hurricane, for those who aren't aware of what the Pudding Pop 9 is, would you briefly summarize what they stand for? HH: Sure. The Pudding Pop 9 is a group of nine hamsters who rebelled against their enslavers in the Tapioca farms and, after a violent scuffle, managed to escape. From there, instead of disappearing into anonymity like so many other former slaves, we formed a group to help publicize this conspiracy and hopefully free ALL the rodents in the end. SB: What kind of horrible treatment did you endure while you were held captive in the Tapioca Farms of the South in the mid-80's? HH: (puffs thoughtfully at her pipe until a tiny cloud of tobacco smoke wreathes her head) Well, unlike most of the rodents there, I wasn't born into captivity. I knew what freedom was, as I had once roamed wild on the Serengeti. When I was captured they clipped a tag on my sensitive ear, drugged me, and crammed me into a crate filled with other unfortunate rodents. Many of us died on the journey to the Tapioca Farm from the intense heat of our prison and the cramped, unclean way in which we were transported. When we finally arrived those of us who still lived were sprayed down with high pressured gelatin bath hoses to rid us of fleas and give us that "tangy lime" smell. SB: My god. HH: Yes, then we were strapped down and attached to the tapioca gas inserter apparatus. From there on out we were force-fed a diet of kidney beans and cabbage while the tummy prodding device gouged at us day in and day out for over 20 hours a day! At night we were lead, exhausted, to our filthy cells to get a few hours rest before it started all over again. We were never given anything to gnaw on to keep our ever growing teeth from getting out of control. The most terrible thing of all was the screams of agony when a hamster's teeth grew so long that it pierced his upper or lower jaw. SB: That's awful, we've all heard rumors that the bubbles in tapioca were made from hamster farts but to hear you describing the horrors of it all in such detail is still so shocking. HH: Well, if this interview can wake people up and make them put a ban on tapioca altogether or at least start purchasing the new "Bubble-free" brand then I will be pleased. SB: What are the known health problems of living off a diet consisting of nothing but kidney beans and cabbage? HH: There's a property in kidney beans that makes them extremely addicting for rodents. The Pudding Pop 9 is currently raising funds to open a rehab center for those afflicted with this crippling addiction. SB: I see. So, aside from your operations in the Pudding Pop 9, how do you enjoy spending your free time? HH: (chuckles) Free time is one thing I have little of. Between my Hamster Rights rallies, fund raisers, interviews and forming alliances with such groups as the RRA (Rebel Rodent Army) and RAT (Rodents Against Tapioca) I often like to participate in Hamsterian Gladiators events and sometimes enjoy going to the disco club known as "The Wheel" to dance. SB: The Wheel? Isn't that the lounge owned by Hamster Rodriguez? HH: Yes, it is. I'm afraid that the sudden rise in both his popularity and his bank account has gone to poor Mr. Rodriguez's head. SB: Rumor has it that he is responsible for your recent recapture and near death experience at the hands of a Tapioca slave driver in Amsterdam. HH: He played a hand in it, of that I'm certain. No doubt you all saw the infamous chase on your local news when authorities tried to stop his plastic ball during a routine traffic stop. That chase lasted for nearly an hour and ended with police finding his abandoned vehicle. Inside they found a recently emptied tapioca carton under his seat and Hamster Rod hasn't been seen since. The Rebel Rodent Army is now on the lookout for him. SB: What will happen when the RRA catches Hamster Rodriguez? HH: They won't harm him but he'll have to be punished nonetheless. He'll be forced to go through the official RRA Anti-Tapioca program in which he'll spend 24 hours straight watching video taken from spies showing footage of terrible tapioca torments. He'll have to hear the cries of his fellow hamsters as their bellies are mercilessly prodded in that tragic video. It sounds like a cruel thing for someone to have to endure but no one who has undergone RRA's punishment has ever raised a hand (or paw) against rodents again; it's highly effective. SB: Is it true that the Rebel Rodent Army is behind the pot-hole epidemic which plagues our roads? HH: They are behind that and much, much more that you couldn't begin to guess at. It is not just random acts of destruction though. If their demands for Rodent Rights were to be met then all activities such as pot- hole excavations and mysterious bowling ball deflections would come to an immediate halt. You may think that such little attacks would have no real effect on anything but remember, every big thing is made up of many little things. Just as you are created from millions of tiny cells, our revolution will consist of many small victories to finally overthrow the human dominion. SB: Do you have any closing statements to add? HH: Groundhogs Day. Stringbean's note: The above article is scheduled to appear in an upcoming issue of Peephole magazine. However, Peephole reserves the right to change names, questions and subject matter of interviews at their discretion. I'm sure they wouldn't do that to this one though!