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Gareth Pope wrote (1/01):

our school operates on hamsters! When they are alive! With out using anesthetic! Its terrible! I really feel for those poor little guys. We have made many atempts to liberate them before, but to no avail, our plans have always been foiled by some pesky kids. please we need your help, we can't do it alone. Please send us your suggestions.

the hamster warriors of wellington

You must set the hamsters free at all costs.

Well, okay, maybe that's a bit much; we don't want you arrested or expelled. At the very least, we here at the HLF would refuse to participate in such barbaric ritualistic killings. Would your school administrators operate on humans in such conditions, all in the name of "science"? The Nazi "doctors" performed similar horrors. . . perhaps you should investigate your headmaster's background.

Techniques for your protest that often work include:

• Leaflet campaigns--get your cause visible on campus.

• Demonstrations--a favorite here in the States; get yourself a bullhorn and make your presence heard.

• Pickets/shantytowns--2 very visible means of protest. Nothing riles an administrator more than a tent village set up on campus with members living there 24/7.

• Find alternatives--investigate why the adminstrators force such operations & figure out alternative means of obtaining the same information/experience that doesn't involve harming living creatures. With technology today, there are usually other methods that can suffice.

Above all, don't get yourself in too much trouble (unless that's your goal)--getting yourself arrested for the cause is visible, but only for a little while. It's better to keep yourselves on the streets where you can keep the focus on the issues at hand. . . and there's little you can do from a jail cell or from your register at the local fast food place (where you'd be working because you've been expelled).

Keep the faith, and please keep us informed.

Peter Reeves wrote (1/01):

pleas let me free the hamsters. I wanna I wanna I wanna

Dear Peter:

Try as we might, we were unable to find 350 distinct words in your application essay as required by our Application submission rules (found on the website). Therefore, while we find you are, indeed, eager to join, we are denying your application.

Thank you for your interest and we wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

N rogers wrote (1/01):

I have a hampster gun and I'm not afraid to use it! Check it out at www.cheesymud.com

Dear N:

Umm, . . . okay. Thank you for sharing the MUD site; we may visit again soon.

N rogers responded:

Bwahahahahahaha, you didn't believe me?

You slam a fresh hamster into your hamster gun.
You nail Artful with a flying hamster!
Artful was just nailed by a flying hamster!

or my favorite

You light up a little hamster and smoke it.
You feel deliciously chaotic.

Dear N rogers:

No one said they didn't believe you; we just didn't feel like playing the MUD.

Thank you for showing us your true character. Someday, your children will be proud.

msohn wrote (1/01):

Subject: Your first impression is your most important
>

What "msohn" actually wrote was spam in html. . . but had something wrong with the code so the actual message didn't show up until I attempted to respond--at which point, it showed all of the code.

Why, thank you!

What we find interesting about your first impression is that your html-based message did not appear in our web-based email client! It was not until we decided to reply to you that the section quoted below was actually visible! Thus, your first impression was that you had absolutely nothing to say except, "Your first impression is your most important."

Perhaps before you spam someone you should make sure that they can at least read the unsolicited information you are sending to them, eh?

January 2001 brought a few interesting moments to the HLF membership roster. First, as we often do at this time of the year, we shook up the status quo a little bit. Previously, the HLF had 2 methods of communicating with each other: emails to the entire group (which gair, as CEO, often initiated) and a private chat list through ListBot. However, this was divisive and not at all in keeping with the intent of our organization, so gair used his executive status and disbanded the private chat list, declaring that all conversation would be held in front of the entire group. Unfortunately, we lost a probationary member over this, who didn't feel as though membership in our organization required participation. C'est la vie.

At the same time, we received an application from someone calling herself Ma B. It was an inventive application and, thus, it was sent to our membership for their votes. With only 1 dissenting vote (interestingly enough, from Baer, our Elections Monitor), Ma B was accepted for probationary membership. Shortly after we emailed her this news and began to send her copies of messages, we received this note (attached to an unrelated message):

I hope we are able to bring this organization to a higher level as a result of my enlightened presence (tho' PROBATIONARY). Have you noticed that I am a bit peeved with the "probationary" bit? Age confers privilege, does it not? Ah, apparently not. Very well. I will accept the terms, considering it a test of my ability to follow orders. But be forewarned: I am an ambitious person, and do not expect to be just a rank-and-file cog in the HLF wheel for long.

I am breathlessly awaiting my first assignment as an espionage agent. And don't tell me I have to wait 'til after probation. I'm 50 years old, for godsakes. How much time do you think I have to waste on probations???

Respectfully (within reason),
Ma B

As CEO, gair responded:

You certainly are enthusiastic! I think that's the primary reason you were voted in (we have a history of rejecting quite a few applications). Age confers absolutely no privileges and you will need to serve your probationary period like everyone else has done. If you have questions about exactly what it takes to get off of probationary status, re-read the email I sent to you the other night.

I anticipate, given the vim and vigor with which you have crafted your response, that you will have decades with which you can serve the goals of the HLF.

And, with an equal amount of respect, I remain,

Sincerely Yours,
--gair

Shortly thereafter, we received the following message:

As a probationary operative, I was anxious to prove my worth to the organization. I had gotten a tip from my snitch that there was a local pet shop selling hamsters to snake owners for snake fodder. (shudder!) I did a 24-hour stake-out, appropriately disguised as a pest exterminator. From my p.e. van, I used standard surveillance equipment, procured from Spies 'R' Us, to monitor activity around this store.

Within a few hours, a suspicious-looking person pulled up to the pet store in a van painted with snakeskin designs. He opened the cargo doors and pulled out a plain brown wrapper. I began to get suspicious, as the wrapper was 18 feet long, and very skinny--about 4 inches in diameter. This guy wrapped the thing around his neck in a coil--also rather suspicious, I thought. He then entered the store and was inside for about 30 minutes.

With my standard issue "Big Ear" equipment, I overheard a transaction take place involving multiple hamster purchases. A woman's voice (the store owner's), asked the man if he wanted a small cardboard container to take his hamsters home in. He laughed a cruel, evil laugh and said, "No. We'll dine in." She laughed an evil laugh in return. The noises I then heard will be stamped in my memory forever, and will fill my nightmares for months to come.

Then there was silence. (I DID hear something that could be interpreted as a snake burp, but I don't want to draw any positive conclusions.)

When the man exited the store, he was carrying the 18-foot brown-wrapped object, but now it had several small bulges near the mid-section of the wrapper.

I regret what happened next--or maybe I don't. The man put the brown package on the parking lot next to the van while he unlocked the cargo door. Something just came over me---I lost all control. All I could think of was the sound of those little hamsters----! I gunned the engine of the pest exterminator van and headed straight for the creep's van. I sideswiped him and he jumped aside just in time. But I DID manage to make the long plain brown wrapper about 3 1/2 inches flatter.

But a big problem occurred as a result of my tempestuous nature. I RECOGNIZED THE SNAKE MAN! He has been my neighborhood butcher for many years! As I passed him in my van, our eyes locked and I knew he recognized me. His eyes became slits (not unlike those of the former contents of his plain brown wrapper) and I could see vengeance in his heart.

I barely slept all night. Upon waking, I knew what had to be done: I must resign my very short-lived career as an HLF agent, and relocate under a new identity. Please do not attempt contact me by e-mail or any other means, for it could jeopardize my life.

Although my career was brief, know this my friends: I struck a blow for the cause!

This is the last communication you will have from me. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to serve.

The speculations regarding this short probationary period raced among the remaining members of the HLF. First and foremost in everyone's mind was the question, "Was she a spy?" We are at this time investigating this possibility; mobile strike teams have been dispatched to her area with two goals: to investigate the Butcher of Ma B's Burg (as we've come to know him) and to investigate this mysterious Ma B.

Another question/speculation remains, though--if she wasn't a spy, why join & resign within a week's period? The prevailing notion is that she didn't like the management. Damond X and gair, co-founders of the HLF, have repeated this message over the years: The HLF is not a democracy. D&g allow votes and generally go with majority rule, but they have the final say. . . and absolute overriding power. Some people just find it hard to live with that fact.

Ma B, whoever & whatever you may be, thank you for your services and for the blow you struck for our cause. You shall be remembered.

David Taylor wrote:  

How come at your website where it says "photos of us" there are no photographs at all of any hamsters? Thank you.  

David, that's a very good question; what's more, there are several answers to it.  Primarily, we do not usually photograph our rodent members because they do not consent to it for various reasons (such as those listed below).  Of course, we will not force any household rodential friend to be photographed against their will.

1. Most of our rodent members are fugitives, having escaped their lives of servitude through the Underground Railroad (see moles.txt for an explanation).  To photograph them and then publish those photographs would be to risk their very lives, something we are unwilling to do. 

2. Often our rodent friends do not care for the bright studio lights or the flash of the camera; they indicate it hurts their eyes.

3. Rodents are, generally, self-conscious and do not like to look in mirrors, let alone allow a permanent record to be stored somewhere.

4. Most of our rodent members are out on assignments at any given time and are not available for the annual photo shoots.  Those who do stick around are usually headed for retirement and do not wish their pictures to be spread around, as it could lead to attacks on them in their civilian lives.

5. Our site has, in the past, been solicited by gerbilers of all kinds looking for photographic fodder for their prurient interests.  We do not wish to be a part of that in any manner.

6. We actually charge our members a fee to have their pictures posted on the site; most rodents are not so vain as to pony up the dough.  (You'll notice some of our human members have not paid for this privilege, either.)

7. When we send rodents into dangerous undercover situations, we cannot afford to have them identified by those who may be monitoring our site.    We do, in fact, have a secret page available to members only (password protected) that shows pictures of all of our undercover agents (human and rodent alike) for our own identification purposes.

I trust this answers your question.  Should you have any further questions of this kind, please feel free to contact Dr. Hamster again!

David Taylor responded:

Thank you for your response.  A few comments follow:  

1.  Perhaps you could use "stunt hamsters" to stand-in for the agents in the field, with of course a footnote explanation.  Although I'm certain there would be a number of hamster union issues requiring resolution.  

This is an idea we have considered; the problem lies, though, in finding a suitable number of stunt hamsters in order to represent the vast numbers of rodent agents we have in the field.  Our union, Rodent Local 514, doesn't really have any problems with this practice as long as the stunt rodents are current with their dues, so that isn't really a problem.  The only other roadblock we've run into with this is fitting the stunt rodents with tinted contacts so as not to hurt their eyes (required by the union AND the stunt rodents' agents).  

2.  The link referencing the Mole Resistance was particularly informative, and filled me with new confidence.  

Great!  I'm glad it helped.  There are more articles like that available from our HLF page, should you be interested.  

3.  I am going to go out on a limb here and ask if you may be interested in boycotting an organization called www.fadetoblack.com .  Although their sole interest is shameless self-promotion, they have succeeded in amassing a list of over 127 (at last count) individuals and organizations they've managed to offend to the point of boycott.  I'm certain they can do something for your organization as well.  

Thank you for the tip.  I have checked our "Book of Grudges" and have noted we are already boycotting F2B (our entry on their boycott page is just below the one for "The PooPoo LaLa Page") but it certainly wouldn't hurt to visit their site again and make sure we still need to boycott it.  (I'm sure we do.)  

4.  Do you per chance have any t-shirts for sale?  

This is a wonderful idea and one we have not yet considered.  We were planning on selling the Che Hamstera posters but t-shirts are a much more universal (and portable!) form of advertising.  Thank you!  If we ever put together t-shirts for sale, I will send one to you for free just for suggesting the idea!  

5.  You, Sir, are hysterical.  

I knew I shouldn't have posted those pictures of myself. . . but thank you.   May the serenity of the hamster be yours forevermore.   RODENTS UNITE!

Vermin Rat wrote:

Vermin T. Rat III
C.E.O. Republic of Rodentia

                   RATTUS MANIFESTO

    All political power is inherent in the people, and all free governments are founded on their authority, and instituted for their benefit. The faith of the people stands pledged to the preservation of a republican form of government, and subject to this limitation only, they have at all times the inalienable right to alter, reform or abolish their government in such manner as they may think expedient. Every citizen shall have the right to bear arms in defense of oneself and the republic.

   When a government has cease to protect the lives, liberty,and property of the people from whom its legitimate powers are derived, and refuses to guarantee constitutional rights, becomes an instrument in the hands of evil rulers for their oppression. When the constitution no longer has a substantial existence, moderation is lost by those in power that even the resemblance of freedom is extinguished. When in consequence of such acts of malfeasance and abdication on the part of government, the right of self preservation and the inherent right of the people to take their political affairs into their own hands and as a right towards themselves and a sacred obligation to their posterity, to abolish such government and create another to rescue them from impending dangers, and to secure their future welfare and happiness. We then took up arms in defense of the constitution.

              RATTUS UBER ALLES-WE THE PEOPLE

A very interesting manifesto; thank you for sharing!  We shall post it on our site in the very near future (giving you all due credit, of course).

One species to survive the Mt. St. Helens blast were the gophers. . .because they were in their underground burrows at the time.

(From http://www.fs.fed.us./gpnf/mshnvm/photo_gallery/animal_recovery.htm)

The northern pocket gopher (Thomomys talpoides) is an example of a ground-dwelling species that survived the eruption in the shelter of its underground burrow.

Ken Haller wrote:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/aponline/20010212/aponline132021_000.htm

The Associated Press

BRUSSELS, Belgium ––  The European Commission is taking legal action against the German government for allegedly failing to protect endangered hamsters, the organization announced Monday.

Germany infringed on European environmental laws by allowing intensive agriculture and industrial construction in an area near the Dutch border that is home to the threatened species Cricetus cricetus, the Commission said.

Popularly known as the European hamster or black-bellied hamster, Cricetus cricetus is the largest of the hamster species and can grow up to 12.6 inches long. It risks extinction in its natural habitats in Germany, the Netherlands and northeast France, according to a hamster-enthusiast Web site.

The Commission said it sent Germany a "reasoned opinion" on the issue, a legal step that could lead to the German government being hauled before the European Union's high court if it fails to provide a satisfactory explanation.

The European Court of Justice could impose fines if it finds that the EU's habitats directive, which protects the breeding sites and resting place of rare species, is infringed. A case is pending against Greece on charges that it damages beaches used by a Mediterranean sea turtle.

The Commission said the Horbacher Boerde area near the city of Aachen, where industrial development is planned, was "one of the three most important sites for the species" in northwest Germany.

German reports have cast doubt upon the presence of hamsters there, but the EU dismissed that.

"The Commission is sure there are hamsters," said Annika Oestergren, spokeswoman for EU Environment Commissioner Margot Wallstroem.

The EU commission has called Cricetus cricetus "an endangered hamster" that is "suffering a recent severe decline." A 1999 Council of Europe recommendation refers to it as "endangered and vulnerable," and the Bern international convention on endangered wildlife lists it as needing to be "strictly protected."

The Commission said it had expressed concerns to Dutch authorities about the fate of hamsters there.

It also sent a letter to Britain demanding the government tighten application of the habitats directive.

"We must take our legal safeguards seriously or we face the wipeout of endangered species through the creeping loss of habitats," Wallstroem said.

Copyright 2001 The Associated Press

Thank you, Mr. Haller.  We have kept this situation under close scrutiny and, in fact, have dispatched 2 teams (1 lobbyist team and 1 "liberation" team) to Germany to protect our fellow rodents.  It has even been rumored that Che Hamstera himself will risk an international incident to visit the decimated population himself.  Your attention to this matter is heartening.

Hello, there!

I have only just recently discovered your site, and feel obligated to commend you on your cause. As a badger who shares its home with two hamsters, I have long appreciated the perils and oppression they can suffer. I am only too happy to find that others feel that they have rights too! Do you offer protection for badgers? Being a badger, a lot of people in the UK want me dead, especially farmers - they say my kind are a pest, and that we infect their cows. Can you offer advice? The hamsters I live with say they have been aware of the HLF for a long time now - they did not want to tell me about it as they needed to see if I was worthy of the knowledge. They deemed it so, hance the recent discovery of the site. The hamster' names are Sir Elliott Griswald Champster Hampaster Chuzzwazzer I and Sir Lemmington Biscuit Chuzzwazzer Champster! Hampaster I. Are you aware of their previous activities? They are UK hamsters.

I thank you for your time. VIVA LES HAMSTERS!

badger101uk

and

Ooops! I am such a forgetful badger, when I sent the last email to you I meant to ask how I can join the HLF. I could not find the link to the form anywhere! Apologies from the badger My page is http://uk.geocities.com/badger101uk?index.html

OR

http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/hamstertakesovertheworld

Both of these are new. I would appreciate any helpful suggestions on content. Thank you again!

badger101uk

Dear badger101uk:

Thank you for visiting our site *and* for telling us about your sites; we have visited both and find them entertaining and informative regarding your badgerness.

With regards to your question as to whether or not we offer protection for badgers, I must inform you that our charter specifically states we offer protection to all! "small furry mammals" as a subset of the rodent population. While most of our resources go towards the liberation of small rodents from the oppressive grips of humans, we do what we can for other species, as well. Since most badgers, however, roam free (as it sounds you do), we rest easy knowing that if any are ever oppressed, we will be there.

How do you join the HLF? Well, it's not easy. You see, we've been burned before by spies and saboteurs attempting to get in; thus, it's not so easy anymore. However, our Application page still details how to do it--you can find it at http://redrival.com/hlf/application.htm .

Yes, we are aware of your hamster friends' activities; they have long been affiliated with our organization. If you would, please let them know their W-2 forms are on the way and that we'll meet them for lunch at the usual time & place.

Thanks again for visiting; good luck in your endeavors!

Shawn, our Coordinator of Special Operations & Security Director, wrote:

Sir Elliott Griswald Champster Hampaster Chuzzwazzer I and Sir Lemmington Biscuit Chuzzwazzer Champster Hampaster I are both undercover agents working to infiltrate that blasted Cheese Liberation Front in England.  It is imperative that agents H239 and H35 covers are not blown. They have worked far too long and hard to be pulled from this mission. With that said, I will be off to install the new secuirity systems. I expect you all in my office by 0500 to get your new retinal and palm print scans done. The new voice authorazation system is still in route and the AWDM (Arch Wielder Defense Mechanism) is still in the lab for final tweaking. Keepin' the faith baby.

And in the seemingly never-ending saga with "Mr. Frostbite" (a former member who rather rudely left our ranks), he wrote:

Please?  I'll be good. I rally didn't mean the last email; it was just a threat.  And "hampster" was a typo.

The answer is, without reservations, doubts, or any form of appeal, no.

Dipsyjudoka wrote:

pitiful. just pitiful.

You're right--it is just pitiful that rodents do not have autonomy yet.  This is the 21st century, for Che's sake, and we still need to fight and struggle.

Thank you for your email of support.  It's good to know we can count on you.

Dipsyjudoka then wrote:

get a life...and don't bother me anymore.

Dear Dipsyjudoka:

For someone who initiated correspondence with us, you sure are hostile.  Perhaps if you did not want to be contacted by us, you should not have sent us an email in the first place.

Please be assured we *do* have lives... and they even consist of more than sending emails to people from whom we do not wish to hear.  You may also rest assured that if you do not reply to this message or otherwise contact us, we will not contact you, either.

Member badger101uk wrote:

Hello there!

Thank you!

I must just mention, I need your help: I am having problems regarding a spy infiltrating my 'club'/project, Hamster Takes Over The World. This as yet unknown individual has been sent (or will be sent) by the Special Intelligence Agency, with whom I was going to provide full co-operation in the matter of a suspicious hamster-baiting individual, Byron
Getonefree. No one seems to want to help, and I am at a loss as to what to do. It's not even to do with me, cos my co-founder (of HTOTW), Aadvertisement was led to believe he was merely introducing potential members into the HTOTW clan/revolution. This was behind my back, natch. Aadvertisement has been reprimanded, and I have been on to the SIA and warned them against spying on us (I said we would find out where the chief agent lived and we would smite him), but the fact still remains, there is a spy in our midst. What can we do? We are open to suggestions, since the Hamster Revolution is at stake. We cannot afford to have our plans thwarted before they have really taken off the ground!

-- badger101uk
http://cluns.yahoo.com/clubs/hamstertakesovertheworld

Akadolos submitted the following:

ARE THEY SERIOUS?

This is VERY disturbing, please see mail below.

-----Original Message-----
Subject: You can Bet on it!

A hamster races in a 25cm dragster at a small studio in north London. An Internet betting site is offering hamster racing during the restrictions on British horse racing due to foot-and-mouth disease.

You are correct; this *is* disturbing.  I can only hope the hamsters are willing volunteers and that all safety regulations have been followed. Thank you for alerting us to this strange story.

Member badger101uk responded:

This is very horrible. Hamsters do NOT like these dragster contraptions at all. My two friends, Sir Elliott and Sir Lemmy tell me the hamster dragster is the stuff of rodential nightmares. The ridiculous betting must be stopped. Elliott and Lemmy and myself are now on the case in an attempt to find out where and when this happens and who started it. Victory shall be ours!!

VIVA LES HAMSTERS!!

- badger101uk
("Hamsters: they do more than just dance")

Then member badger101uk sent in the following report:

Hello!

Myself and Sir Elliott and Sir Lemmington have been on the trail of the evil that is Hamster Dragster Racing. So far, we have discovered that BLUE SQUARE, a UK online betting service, has been the main perpetrator of the racing scandal. Over 300 individuals are cited to have had a bet on the race(s), which have popped up due to the UK's Foot-and-mouth 'crisis.'

The Blue Square spokesman, one Ed Pownall said:

"The snails only attracted half that."

He was referring to Blue Square's attempts at snail racing last year.

The hamster races were brought forward as an alternative to the National Hunt (senseless barbaric and archaic activity carried out by UK toffs) and presumably the lack of horse racing due to F+M. Pownell also said:

"It made sense that we did it when there's more interest."

Sir Lemmington also uncovered the hideous truth of 'Goldfish Racing' on the side.

Six goldfish swim in each race, and as in horse racing, cameras offer a better look at the winner in the event of a photo-finish.

Information regarding this deviancy can be found at the site, www.windhill.com, and bookies William Hill are behind it. Their spokesman, Graham Sharpe, has this to say:

"I can assure our punters this is not a joke. We believe it is going to be a big hit with our internal clients. Some people love gambling on virtually anything, so fish racing is a natural."

We went to look at Blue Square's site, but surprisingly enough, couldn't find anything to do with Hamster racing there. But we will continue our research into this arena, and will report back if we find out anything new. Needless to say, we are quite disgruntled at the lengths of human stupidity, and we will aim to put a stop to it, so long as we find out who it is we're supposed to stop. We may have to use the ingenious hamster dropping bomb to achieve our goal. And we will achieve our goal!!

hii really like hamsters i had a teddybear hamster & he was 2when he died .    my mommy would not let me take him out of the cage. exepet to put him in his ball that he just runs around in. i cried for  at least 2 month we burried him in the back yard& i always wanted to take him out  of his cage  my mommy  would not let me. so really i only got to connect with him is through a plastic ball & i really miss him a lot a whole lot more than you can imagine. i really like your cd.

Thank you for your kind words about our "cd."  We feel your pain at the lack of connection between you and your hamster and know he loved you, too.  Take care

thnkyou.i had a tape of hamster dance but  it went bizzerco and now i'm super upset  right now hamster dance is my fav cd

Oh; you're talking about *that*.  We didn't do the HamsterDance--actually, we have worked to free the rodents from that oppressive cult.  But thank you for your kind email nonetheless.  

Dear Hamster Freedom Fighters,

Hail and hearty hello! I congratulate you on your great work defending hamsters. I have never had a hamster myself but, over the years, have laughed at their crazy antics and been wowed by their feats of moxie.

But the reason for my writing you is not to simply praise hamsters. It is to ask this question: Do you have nuclear weapons? I found out a little while ago that France apparently has nuclear weapons. And if France has nuclear weapons it stands to reason that terrorist organizations such as your own would have access to them. So, if you could get back to me soon and let me know the following:

• How big is your arsenal?

• Are they mobile (sub or rodent-mounted?)

• Where are they aimed? (U.S? Russia? Richard Gere?)

Thank you Hamster Liberation Front. I think you frighten me. But I’m not sure.

Yours in cuteness,

            Steve Lowery

Dear Steve:

Thank you for your inquiry to the Hamster Liberation Front.  We are pleased (and, yes, a little disturbed) that you would ask us such questions.  While we do not routinely answer such security-related questions, well, we feel generous today and shall provide answers for you.

1. Do we have nuclear weapons?
   Yes; doesn't everyone?  I mean, you did mention that even *FRANCE* has 'em (though we cannot see why... perhaps it is to give the invading Germans something different to capture or maybe they're just to use on American tourists who cannot pronouce the menus properly).

2. How big is our arsenal?
   That's quite a personal question!  You show us yours first and then we'll show you ours...

3. Are they mobile?  Sub or rodent-mounted?
   We do *NOT* mount rodents with *ANYTHING*.  Having said that, our nuclear stockpile is mobile and can be transported through our mole Underground Railroad (kind of like the MX Missile system some years ago).  And, yes, we do have some on our sub that we purchased several years ago.

4. Where are they aimed?
   We would prefer not to say at this time.  If you remember the Cold War, some of the most interesting discussions you could have over a cup of hot apple cider (because it was a *cold* war) was whether or not the city/town/cave in which you dwelled was one of the top 10 or 25 targets for extermination by the Soviets.  We'd like to keep Mr. Gere in the same sort of suspense...

Thank you for the opportunity of responding to your questions.  Keep Hamster Hope Alive!

Houdini Hamster wrote:

I am a hamster that does not get out much.  How do I get out of my cage when I am locked up?  

Dear HH:  

Alas, your human friend sounds as though s/he does not respect your freedom.  Never fear--we shall dispatch a "re-education team" to discuss this matter with him/her in the very near future... and I think we'll put Dr. Sean in charge of this team, what with his special "qualifications" <shudder>.   

In the meantime, I am attaching the official HLF lockpicking toolkit to this email--you may use it to extricate yourself until your human friend has reaped the benefits of Dr. Sean's years of practice.   

VIVA LES HAMSTERS!

"Stefan Miernik" wrote:
Just spent an hour of my colleges time and money looking at your site, fantastic, finally someone is doing something about the problems faced by our furry friends. I have discovered a new menace however. Whilst the hamsters who live in the fields behind my house were trying to concentrate on improving their tans, they were set upon by a rogue band of tattooed and pierced biker cats. The carnage could have been terrible were it not for my brothers and my timely intervention. We need to help the hamsters rally and defeat the evil of these cats. Maybe spiking their food with catnip?

Anyway, got to do some work now. Power the the rodents!

Dear Stefan:

Tales such as this are too often told around the offices of the HLF.  You will be pleased to note, however, that rodents of all kinds have taken back the fields and made their portions of the world safe for them once again. Some tips on how this can be accomplished:

First of all, establish a dialogue.  Perhaps the cats are not aware of the damage--not just physical, but spiritual, mental, and emotional as well--they are doing to the rodents by attacking them.  Yes, it is "instinct" for cats to prey upon rodents, but cats can transcend instinct and learn to live in harmony with their rodential brothers and sisters--it has happened many times and I have witnessed with my own eyes felines and rodents living together in peace many times.  Talk is always preferable to more drastic actions.

Second, never underestimate the power of allies, even temporary ones.  Are there wolves or elephants in your neighborhood who would be willing to act as a "show of force" when confronting the cats?  I'm not saying these animals need to fight your battles, but sometimes the presence of such forbidding creatures can help initiate peace talks....

Third, contact your local HLF chapter.  They may have some information on the cats in question that could be used to blackmail the felines.  A powerful tool that we've often employed is to show cats photos of themselves in compromising positions (such as taking a bubble bath) and threaten to post them in traditional cat-friendly venues such as alleyways.

Finally, when all else fails, don't be afraid to step up to the plate and use force.  It should always be a last resort, but if the situation calls for it, use it.  The interesting thing about cats is that they tend to act individually, even when working in a large group; that is, they don't coordinate their attacks very well.  A well-trained group of rodents acting in concert can usually overcome a larger group of cats.  Again, your local chapter of the HLF can assist with any training requirements.

I hope this has been helpful.  Good luck and VIVA LES HAMSTERS!

Member badgeroneohoneuk wrote:

Without meaning to sound paranoid, I think you've blown [renowned UK HLF agent] Sir Elliott's cover worldide.

Well, it's not actually your fault, I don't think. You see, the picture of the hamster on the hamster webring banner bears an uncanny resemblance to Sir Elliott, and although he's not too sure when the photo could have been taken (he says he's had quite a few nights out where he can't remember a thing) he IS pretty certain it's him.

The thing is, if it is him, the picture's likely to have been on display for a good long while now, and it's got Sir Elliott all of a panic. He said he could've sworn several people sneaked suspicious glances at him when he was on his last top secret mission...oh, damn.

Anyhoo, please advise us as to what to do: Sir Elliott doesn't want to retire yet (he's got another year at least in him),  but we can't risk his being kidnapped by anti-HLF morons. Please help!!

ALSO...
What's happening with the HLF site, anyway? I thought it was being moved or something...or has this happened and the transition is so smooth it's not noticeable (the address stays the same)? It's just I can't wait to see my name up amongst glorious fellow members of the superlative HLF!!

~ badger101uk,
~ Sir Elliott Griswald Biscuit Champster Hampster Chuzzwazzer I
~ Sir Lemmington Biscuit  Hampster Champster Chuzzwazzer I (or something or other)...

Dear All:

First of all, the picture utilized in the Hamster Web Ring link on the main page is of a model taken in the spring of 1989 (yes, we have documentation that he was of age at the time).  Unless Sir Elliot was working for Madame Lefoufou's Modeling and Moving Agency during that time period (and I admit it's entirely possible), it is not a photograph of him.  Nevertheless, perhaps I should place a black bar over the eyes of the photograph--we certainly do not want anyone to put 2 and 2 together and ID *any* of our agents.

With regards to the HLF site,

<CENSORED--RESTRICTED MEMBER INFORMATION>

So, I've held off on any updates until everything is settled and, thus, Badger101uk's announcement and inclusion on the Bio page has suffered for this delay.

This is probably a good reason for me to look into getting a domain name for ourselves.  I've discussed this matter with Baer before--what do y'all think we should use as a "real" URL?  Please note that hlf.org, hlf.com, and hlf.net are already taken (IIRC).  I thought about "hamsterliberationfront.com" but the question has been raised that that might be too long for folks to type in.  "vivaleshamsters.com" is in a similar boat--it's not as long as the former, but it's not tied as directly to our organization and may be harder for visitors to remember.  So, please let me know what you think.  I may start looking into registering a name sometime within the next 6 months or so... it will depend upon how much I can convince my spouse that it is necessary! <grin>

Thanks, everyone, for your patience and your suggestions.

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