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Will it ever end? :) Actually, we like most of the mail we receive and we even don't mind those who have less than amusing comments for us. . . Visit Fan Mail Page 1-2-3-4-5-6 Hellll0 wrote (10/00): you people are retarded, just so
you get that Dear Hellll0: Every once in a while we get a letter that is astounding with its insights and commentaries. It is for these letters that we post our email address and invite our visitors to correspond with us. The rest of the time, we get dribble like you have sent. There are so many amusing points that we can make about your note; shall we begin with but a few?
In conclusion, thank you for the minimum of time you spent visiting our site and sending us the above-quoted missive. We shall be sure to give you comments all of the consideration they deserve. With utmost sincerity, --gair From: Hamster Liberation Front Your site has come to our attention. Please be advised that squirrels technically fall under our domain ("small furry animals") and, thus, will be protected to the full extent of our charter. You have been warned. --gair Good afternoon, There seems to have been an unfortunate misunderstanding regarding the Rabid Squirrel Slayers The . RSS are a force of good, created in order to help humans and small furry animals live in harmony. The hamsters actually help us to fight the rabid squirrels, the common enemy. Maybe you should \par condsider joining the RSS, if you want to keep up to date with hamster issues. If your feelings are unchanged, we currently have 700 special agents, a number of which I may send to deal with you. The Master Hunter K wrote (10/00): Hi there i'm an animal rights activist and have found some information on a new rodent hell hole opening up near royston not far from cambridge. i'm not messing around here rodents life are at risks. i will have to get back to you with more information but its due to open between now and the new year. Its in a place called grandfram park (thats wot it sounds like ).I got this information from a man who works doing wall plastering and he told >me that they r going to open this new hell hole soon.Hope i,ve helped mail me on killerk12<deleted> From K Dear K: Thank you for the information. We would certainly appreciate anything else you can tell us about this ill-sounding place. VIVA LES HAMSTERS! (We received an email from "The Association" that made various threats against a pull-toy hamster... and then we received this email. The only differences were the apologies and the URL. . .) (11/00) Sorry for the inconvenience of contacting you again but a terrible mistake occurred in the construction of the first email. The agent responsible for the first message has been shot. The true a message and contact details are as follows: The hamster you see in the attached picture is at our mercy. We have taken him from his rightful owner and are broadcasting pictures of his gruesome torture over the Internet because we think it is funny. The fact that the Hamster Liberation Front cannot liberate this hamster is also very amusing..... The Association (hamster_nappers
division) The fact that our agents don't know our own URL is not very amusing. It's very embarrassing. Dear TA: First of all, let us commiserate with you in your apparent dearth of intelligent agents. While the Hamster Liberation Front is an organization that is able to attract quality, competent agents who know our website's URL, we have heard that it is difficult for other agencies (especially those who are opposed to our goals) to attract decent help. Thus, we will not laugh at you; we will only feel sympathy for you. With regards to Douglas, we wish to inform you that he has been liberated from your clutches while you were busy attempting to remember the correct address for your website. Indeed, the object you see now in the cage is a stuffed animal purchased at a local dollar store. With your agents' qualifications, we knew they would not notice the switch. Thank you, though, for bringing your organization to our attention. We will pay you all of the consideration you are due. Sincerely, gair (We then sent another email with a photograph of Douglas after his freedom was granted by our most capable agents:) And, because we know an organization such as yours would desire proof, we are attaching a photograph of Douglas taken today (please note the date on the website behind Douglas) to prove we have liberated him from your evil clutches. (HLF agents Robbin (Esteemed Counsel & Recreation Director) and Richard (Probationary Member--title to be determined upon full membership) deserve thanks for their quick action. Che Hamstera is proud of them!) Their response: It pleases The Association that the HLF feels it must go to such lengths in order to prove that Douglas is free - even if such actions are so obviously faked. We too can attach pictures of Hamsters beside topical web pages (indeed to prove our point - please find one attached) - however, there is but one true test of who has the real Douglas: the association knows Douglas' owner - and we are prepared to begin posting pieces of Douglas to her - beginning with his tail (which his owner will recognise instantly as it is of a very particular variety.) A nice try Gair - but sadly, one which does not impress us. Yours,
PS, You might like to keep an eye on our web site for the appearance of the article "Why the HLF gave me indigestion". Our various communications and other relevant banter is scheduled to appear there imminently. Thus, they responded with more threats and whatnot, and the situation has been left at that--they certainly do not bear any more of our attention. They indicate their site was not built to counter ours & was created prior to seeing ours. Okay, whatever. Let's move on. Amber (aka "Timothy Shaner") wrote (12/00): The University of South Florida in Tampa plans to be involved in painful experiments with animals in the new Psychology building in the fall of 2001. Is there anything you can do? Please let me know and I can send the school address, etc. Thank you. amber What type of experiments? Yes, we may be interested. Please send details. Thank you. If anyone has details regarding this matter, please send them to us. Thank you. (12/00): Hi. My name is Nadia Amanda
Alterio-Lemmon. My husband and I, Los Angeles celebrity
nutritionist and author/writer, Don Lemmon have recently moved to
Las Vegas together. We run an entertaining and a very health
informative web site at http://www.donlemmon.com I am writing to
tell you that we would like to exchange links with your site.
You'll see that we offer a WHOLE lot more than just nutritional
guidance in our links. Be sure to check out our New Links, Food,
Entertainment, Music, Sports, Shopping, Humor, Supplements,
Medical, Pets and our many other Links Categories at http://www.donlemmon.com/links.html
So, what do you say? Thank you for the invitation to join your site's linking partners. We have reviewed your site and have determined that, while we are flattered you have invited us and have praised our site as being "great," we must respectfully decline participation in your site. Again, thank you. She responded: Hi. Thanks for responding. One thing however, did you overlook both our pets and humor links sections? http://www.donlemmon.com/newlinks.html Section 12 and 17 of our main Links page also.http://www.donlemmon.com/links.html Sincerely, BA Psychology No, we didn't overlook the site. We just thought it was spam and didn't feel that is the direction the HLF needs to be going. But we didn't respond to her response. . . we didn't see a purpose in it. At about the same time we received the above emails from Nadia, we also received the following (12/00): Hi, HamsterCare.com has recently completed work on its affiliate program. We would like to invite you to become a part of this exciting new medium which is now ubiquitous on the web. http://www.hamstercare.com/affiliatesProgram.php3 To learn more about what our affiliate program has to offer, visit the above link for further details. Thank you, Dear Sales Department of HamsterCare.com: Thank you for your interest in having us as a partner in your business opportunity. We can certainly understand your eagerness to obtain even a small fraction of the weekly traffic our site generates. However, we must inform you that we are a non-profit rodential terrorist organization and are not simply into liberating hamsters for the sheer profit of it. Therefore, we must respectfully decline your invitation. We wish you the best of luck in your venture. I don't understand. . . can't people have topical websites WITHOUT trying to get rich? The HLF has kicked around ideas to generate money to support our own URL or something like that: t-shirts, pens, hats, mouse pads, posters, etc. We may someday implement some of these ideas... however, we are NOT here to make money. We're here to liberate rodents from their enslavement by humans and THAT'S IT! <end rant> Jkarmstead wrote (12/00): Your site is hilarious! Bless you for your support! We shall, indeed, keep the hope alive that, one day, all rodents shall be given the preferred treatment they deserve! Thanks for an uplifting message as we enter a new year! Ma & Pa Gettel wrote (1/01): Ma & Pa Gettel’s Summer
Camp for kids!! Located in northern Minnesota, is a camp where your child can fish some of the finest Northern Pike & Walleye lakes in the U.S. In addition to the morning excursions to the lakes in an attempt to catch our trophy fish, other activities include camping, nature walks, canoeing, swimming, and visiting state parks, archery, volleyball and many more activities. For more details visit our website
at Or call us at <<DELETED FOR YOUR PROTECTION>> Fax <<DELETED FOR YOUR PROTECTION>> You can also e-mail us at $250/wk includes meals, and transportation to and from the airport. Reserve 1 week or the whole summer the choice is yours. Call and make your reservations early to ensure availability. May 26-Sep 8, 2001 If you have received this mailing by mistake please accept out apologies. To be removed from this mailing list simply hit the reply button and type the word “remove” in the subject line. Dear Ma & Pa Gettel: We are in receipt of your recent unsolicited bulk email in which you advertise your "Summer Camp for Kids" (quoted in its entirety below). Thank you for sending us such interesting information. While we usually simply summarily delete all spam received by our organization, we were, in fact, intrigued by the offer you have presented. Obviously, you were not aware of our organization's stated purpose or, if you were aware, you at least did not know our email address was included in the undoubtedly hundreds (if not thousands) of "clean" email addresses you purchased for your business. Perhaps we can tell you a little about ourselves so that you may know the "clientele" you are soliciting: "The Hamster Liberation Front is a dynamic terrorist organization dedicated to the protection of household rodential friends, namely gerbils, mice, and, of course, hamsters. "What is the HLF's major contention? "GERBILING IS MURDER." (If you don't know what gerbiling is, count yourself lucky. We had so many nightmares after learning about it that we were forced by our consciences to band together into the HLF.) This plain and simple fact is foremost on the agenda of the HLF, and our members are constantly on the lookout for those who would poop upon (both literally and figuratively) the rights of rodents. We shall not rest until gerbilers of the world are stopped; if this means we must take matters into our own hands, we will do so (although we will most likely wear latex gloves). "But there are more abuses out there than just gerbiling. All too often we've made raids on suspected dens of iniquity and found treadwheels hooked up to generators, the little rodents supplying electrical power via their furry little legs for the humans' sins in another room. We have found entire farming activities where our little friends are bred for their skins (if someone tells you it's mink, don't believe 'em!). In one liberating operation, we even found hamsters dressed up in polyester uniforms, cooking and serving greasy, MSG-laden food substitutes in one of this nation's largest chain restaurants. Many people believe rodent-abuse is a victimless crime--after all, who's going to complain? WE ARE. And we will take vengeance on those abusers of our household rodential friends." Are we truly your intended audience? Alas, I have reviewed our files and note we do not currently have anyone in our organization who meets your stated preferred age range. Perhaps you will consider adding a segment in subsequent years dedicated to the budding rodential terrorist? As the world's premiere rodential terrorist organization, we can certainly provide guidance counselors for employment with your agency. Finally, may we please add our opinion of your advertising techniques? All kidding aside, we find it disturbing that, in this day and age and with the awareness out there of the child abuse issues and sexual molestation of our younger generations, that anyone would send out bulk mailings to unknown parties asking for parents to send their children to you for "1 week or the whole summer," sight unseen & site uninspected. What's more, I would be abhorred if any parents actually took you up on this offer and sent their children to you simply because you spammed them. In my heart of hearts, I hope and pray any parents who would entertain such thoughts would do extensive investigations and/or receive counseling. Your advertising technique is ill-advised and does not lend any shred of credibility to your business. If you have actually read through this response, thank you; if you have actually listened to our reasoning, more thanks go to you. Member Carlo sent this response to Ma & Pa Gettel: Allow me to introduce myself, my name is...actually my name is not important. I am the Director of the HLF's Special Warfare Division. As you may or may not know, the HLF also offers a "camp." HLF's Summer "Camp" for Gerbilers Ages 1-99 May 26-Sep 8, 2001. Located in the isolated deserts of Nevada, is a camp where gerbilers can experience some of the finest work "camps" in the U.S. In addition to the very early morning (3:30 AM) "excursions" to the salt flats in an attempt to wear down "camper" resistance, other activities include ditch construction, mandatory 15 mile walks, "drownproofing," arts and crafts (5 item dailly quota), and visiting caves, mineshafts, sinkholes and many more "activities." For more details visit our website at www.redrival.com/hlf You can also e-mail us at HamsterLiberationFront@bigfoot.com, which I'm sure you already have, since you bought it. $250/wk includes weekly bread ration, and transportation to and from the airport(freight, 1st class shipping is extra.) Stay until you die, or your mind just "snaps" causing you run around barking at inanimate objects. Call and leave your address and the hours you are home and off guard to make it easier for our "collection team." May 26-Sep 8, 2001 If you have received this mailing by mistake please accept our apologies. To be removed from this mailing list simply hit the reply button and type the word “remove” in the subject line. This particular letter isn't fan mail, per se, but we decided to share some of our internal conversations with you. First of all, the FastCounter stats for our main page were sent out to the membership (1/01): Nov 27 - Dec 3: 264 Member Robbin wrote back: What, Hamster liberation isn't important between Christmas and New Years????? Working for the rights of all rodents NEVER takes a holiday and the people who visit the site shouldn't either! And CEO gair responded: AMEN, sister! Your letter will be posted on the site to encourage our visitors to spend more time reading through the vast amount of materials on our site! So there you go! SPEND MORE TIME EXPLORING OUR SITE! We're like a favorite novel: you'll find something you missed each time you go back! </blatant self promoting plug> Member Robbin also wrote in a few days later (1/01): You can imagine my surprise when I walked into the bathroom at 2am this morning to find that my normally docile, older hamster had inexplicably opened her cage, climbed out and jumped to the floor. She was dozing on the little mat in front of the toilet when I found her. I'm sure I didn't leave the cage open, and she's never expressed a desire to get out before... it's three stories and she loves it (and gets out in her ball or to run around the bathroom loose periodically). Could it be a failed kidnapping attempt? Could she be trying to tell me something or perhaps make it to a rendevous point to pass on some secret files or something? Does she do this every night, and I just have not caught her before? Thankfully the bathroom door was closed or the evil cat army my husband insists stay with us may have used her in a hazing ritual. CEO gair's response: Sounds to me like your hamster friend has enrolled in our Escape Skills correspondence course and was practicing her techniques. . . she must not have read the chapter yet on how to climb back to her home (Hammy can offer her tips on this, if she is willing). It was good, though, that she managed to close the bathroom door (our surveillance camera in your bathroo---, er, hallway indicate it was open when you went to bed last night) before your husband's minions learned of her predicament (haven't you shown your husband our site?? Doesn't he know the danger in which he has placed your hamster? Have you been able to convince his cats that rodents are our friends?). BTW, our Investigations Team will be by your house while you are at work today to remove the camer---, um, dust for fingerprints to see if, perhaps, it *was* a failed kidnapping attempt. (If it was, I'd like your hamster's story on how she fought off the would-be hamsternappers!). Thanks for sharing the inspiring story! Member Jon also added: Hammy who has free roam of my house or had (we don't have cats) used to hang out in the bathroom. I think there's something about it that attracts hamsters. I don't know what it is and Hammy says it's none of my business. Unfortunately, barthrooms harbor either wicked germs or poison cleaning residues. So Hammy and I came to an agreement: I don't use his bathroom and he doesn't use mine. Before the agreement I tried using an eight inch hamster fence guaranteed to prevent hamsters from crossing. It takes Hammy eight seconds to climb over it. Now I have a twelve inch pine board across the bottom of my bathroom door; this works. If anyone else is thinking about letting the hamster that lives with them have free run of the house, Hammy and I have a few suggestions:
You may be surprised at how your friend will tend to stay around his own house and remember--it's easier for him to sneak out on missions if he has his own house key. Visit Fan Mail Page 1-2-3-4-5-6
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